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By doriluthy, December 5, 2010 11:39 pm

Hey folks. I’ve got a few random thoughts swirling around in my head these days about parenting, and how it’s changing me and my own awareness of self… I’m going to just start writing and see what things come out. Bear with me.

Respect is a complex concept for a one year old, perhaps too complex? Well certainly too complex to explain in words and signs… it is one of those things that really must be demonstrated for young ones, that they might grow up in life experiencing it. As we grow accustomed to it’s presence, we are then most aware of it’s existence when it is absent- isn’t that true for so many of life’s gifts? Respect feeds compassion, another virtue that must be grown into as time goes by. Although I think that most young children lack true altruism- simply, that is not their jobs as they are engaged in a self-centered exploration of the universe, I don’t think that respect should be excused as a virtue that children are incapable of. I think these concepts of respect for my space, your space; respect for my things, your things; respect for my choices, and yours can be understood by very young children- but only when respect is consistently modeled for them in their daily lives.

Is this too cryptic? Well let me back up a few weeks. Finn’s new developments this past couple months have included expressing his own will and desires in a much more independent fashion. It is an absolute marvel to see his little personality emerging further as the days pass, as he is getting to know himself while we also get to know him. In all of that Finn-growth I had been finding my own patience well stretched, and Finn as the object of that stretching. It felt like I was reaching capacity some days for his strong will verses mine, and finding a challenge in many situations. But I have to tell you, my desire to learn about myself through this mothering process is so great (dude, doesn’t everyone try to be the best they can at their jobs?) so I try my best to observe my own actions/reactions when we reach a point of conflict, and figure out what is causing the incongruity. At the core I have absolute faith in Finn’s own ability to express his needs. And also at the core I know that my job is to help him translate those expressions into meaningful outcomes- well, as much as he would like me to help.

Last week we ran into a conflict, and when I realized that I had lost sight of respect in our interactions, it sent me thinking and analyzing myself for days. Here’s the story: I had been observing for a couple days that Finn hadn’t been eating much food when we sat down for meals. So about day 3 of this, at lunch we were eating and again he just wasn’t interested, and after a few bites he made his “all done” sign and asked to get down. I was feeling a little concerned so I encouraged him to stay put and try to get a few more bites into him… well this quickly got Finn upset and he started throwing his food all over. Well I was already concerned and on edge, and so the throwing food (an unusual activity for Finn) just set me off. I said quite angrily “STOP! ” and grabbed the food away from him. He burst into tears. I burst into tears. I got him out of his chair, gave him a quick hug, and then marched myself into the kitchen to take a few breaths and calm down.

I was so shaken up, but in those next few minutes as I was wiping up the food on the floor and he came over to ‘help’ it occurred to me that I had brought this on myself. I hadn’t respected Finn’s knowledge of his own hunger, his own desires (clearly expressed by his signs), and I had escalated the situation by trying to force him into something he didn’t want. I would have been pissed off, too, if someone had tried that on me. I wasn’t listening when he told me what he wanted. And it also occurred to me that I wasn’t sure if I was more upset about him not eating or about the tomato pasta splattered across my floor…

So this also got me thinking about priorities, for both mama and baby. For me, a priority is to have the floor clean throughout the day. And so I go around sweeping and wiping because it makes me feel good to have clean floors. This whole respect situation helped me realize that this is not a priority shared by Finn, and he could care less about clean floors. I shouldn’t expect him to value clean floors like I do. That doesn’t mean that I can’t share with him my appreciation for clean floors, and ask him to help with his messes- good habits to learn- but ultimately it’s not his thing, it’s mine. That is me learning to respect his own interests as he learns to respect mine.

Is this making sense? I have so many thoughts floating around, it’s hard to know if they are coming together.

I believe with absolute conviction that my job is to be the compassionate supporting adult and his job is to be the exploring self-centered toddler. And tied directly to that is each of us learning to respect and honor one another’s space and choices. He likes to sit in the living room and read or play with toys or just walk around investigating. I like to be in the kitchen baking or hanging out knitting or sewing. We both check in on each other, but also give each other space to do the things we love to do. I want him to know I’m available, but not on top of him trying to stimulate him all day long- cause honestly, he is pretty capable of long stretches of self-directed activity (respect!). I want him to see me doing the things that I love, learning about me as he grows- mama is a knitter, mama bakes bread, and also seeing that mama is also doing her thing and needs a little space, too (respect!).

Honestly, a great deal of detachment came from these little (big!) realizations. I do love going through these times in life that twist and shift us once again reminding us to let go of attachment to outcomes and expectations and appreciate the magic of one another. There is so much more joy in living WITH the flow, rather than against it. Don’t ya think?

Remember? Grace, Abundance, and Health.

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, April 9, 2010 11:02 pm

Oh how the days roll one into another, weeks going by so fast, and Finn is a big dude now at 5months old! He’s already over 19lbs, and 28 1/4″ long- and if you know baby sizing, that’s almost the size of an average 1 year old! We are so delighted by his charming disposition, his smiles that go on for miles, and his social nature. Some days I worry I’m not doing him justice in keeping him entertained and occupied. It’s so much work to keep up with a curious bambino! I am really anxious for summer to get here, I plan on spending a huge amount of time at the local park lying out on a big blanket with other baby friends and piles of toys and stuff to play with. In the meantime we make it work in the small space of our apartment, and lots (LOTS!) of outings throughout the week. Spring fever came on strong. Here’s a snapshot of Finn playing with a toy, LOVE the face: (You can watch the video HERE)

And 5 months? Seriously. How did we get this far in the blink of an eye? All I know is that is one big blinking eye. I don’t think I have ever felt such a tremendous rushing by of the time as I have in the past 5 months. I look back at the photos from Finn’s first days with us, and I can hardly believe that was even in the same lifetime. Honestly, I find it a bit hard to look at those photos and see that tiny precious baby, and remembering how emotional and exhausted I felt, and how desperate and out of control I was feeling about the breastfeeding difficulties. A big part of me so wishes I could go back to that very moment of birth and restart, to go through all of that again with the knowledge and information that I now have. I realize in retrospect how unprepared I was when it came to breastfeeding, and that I was operating on the assumption that it was some natural process that would just ‘work’. Of all the reading and studying I did leading up to his birth, that was the ONE thing I regret not having spent more time attempting to understand. I have no idea if that would have resulted in a different outcome, but I just have such sorrow for the loss of that experience, and would it help to ease it somehow? (I suppose anyone familiar with the stages of grief can put their finger on this one- odd how knowing that this is ‘normal’ to be feeling this way doesn’t help either). Just the same today as every day for the past 5 months, I’m still struggling along with my tiny milk supply- struggling with a decision to continue putting in the time to give Finn a daily snack of mama-vitamins (about an hour+ of pumping daily for 2-3 ounces), or do I just let it go… I’m sure from the outside it’s almost laughable, why bother? I’ve been clinging to the desire to breastfeed, even as I watch in the past 3 months my already small supply drop drop drop to this point. I have no clear idea in my head about when it would be ‘right’ to stop. I have no clear idea about why I think this is so important to me. I do have a feeling that stopping is something like giving up.

Will I EVER stop feeling this way? Will I finally get a grip and just feel OK? … The part that makes me the angriest is that no-one has been able to give me an explanation for why it didn’t work. I wonder if knowing that there was some reason would help make swallowing it somehow easier. Although I realize now that the loss I feel has to do with MY relationship to breastfeeding, and much less to do with Finn’s well-being (as he’s turning out to be doing quite well as a formula fed bambino, thank God). But I am entirely incredibly jealous when I see other mothers breastfeeding their babies, and that sense of loss is so deeply profound. I have wanted it so bad, but it’s not ever going to be part of this reality of Finn and mama. So that question of when do I just give up? Let it go?

My apologies, these entries seem to be incredibly bi-polar these days- mama drama and then adorable bambino… But I feel like this is part of my healing about this struggle. Parenthood is Awesome, but why don’t people tell you how freakin challenging it’s also going to be? Hmm, I’ll tell you. But that being said, I am also the kind of gal that feels the need to end on a positive note- besides, I know you are all here for the baby pictures these days. Yah Yah, Dori, Blah Blah- Show us the BABY!

Well it turns out this post is all about food (variations on the theme). We’ve started working on solid foods this week, although I can say it’s much more of a sampling than really eating. He slurps and licks, noms and lips, and a bit of the food probably makes it down his throat. I’ve decided to hold off on the boxed cereals that are touted as ‘first foods for baby’ for a little bit (I have a few thoughts on this) and see what he thinks about ‘real’ foods- whole foods that are nutrient dense and full of goodness. Avocado is a natural choice for first food- full of healthy fats and proteins, chock full of fibre, a natural source of Vitamin C and Iron (just to name a few of it’s awesome properties)- good things for my baby’s growing body. Also on tonight’s menu was a baby smoothie of blended berries- a blue/raspberry combo which might taste a little tart, but he seemed to enjoy the flavour!

I’m trying to get the timing right as the past 2 nights we’ve been eating a little while after his last bottle, but he seems to be getting too tired by the end of the ‘meal’ to enjoy it… I think I’ll start working on food in the middle of the day- maybe after he wakes from a nap before he’s hungry for milk, and see if that makes any difference.

For anyone interested, these are the books I’m delighted by when it comes to baby feeding: (although for now I have to skip the  “breast is best” chapters or I end up with a furrowed brow)
- Feeding the Whole Family, by Cynthia Lair
- Real Food for Mother and Baby, by Nina Planck

Okay, Finn feel asleep at 8:00pm, and I’ve had the luxury of writing this post in one sitting- a rare treat. But I suppose I’ll head to bed now that my guts are spilled for the night.

Ciao!