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By doriluthy, July 28, 2010 11:39 pm

Some days I don’t have time to take a shower. Some days I don’t go to the bathroom for hours, even if I REALLY have to go. Some days I don’t drink enough water. Some days I eat too much food. Some days I think I’m boring. Some days I worry that Finn’s been in the stroller or car seat too long. Some days I wonder if he’ll ever want to crawl. Some days I laugh and laugh. Some days I cry and cry.

But every day? I marvel at the perfection of this little life and the unfolding of this beautiful creature that occupies almost every moment of my time. He really is perfect, doing things just as he is meant to be doing them. Isn’t that a lesson? Each step, even the bumpy uncertain ones, are just right. They are all so critical to making up the story that is his life; the learning, developing, exploring, inquiring, imaginative, funny little man that he is already, and will continue to become more of. He’s already completely himself.

As of Friday, Finn will have been outside just as long as he was inside. 9 months in, 9 months out, and just so confidently himself regardless of time.

In the past month we’ve been to Tofino and back, a week of Finn’s first camping, beach strolling, sand eating, and ocean dipping- and he did OH SO WELL. We returned home to him deciding it was time to learn to roll, like for real. (He’d been taking his time with the mobility stuff.) He’s now flopping back and forth, and figured out that he can propel himself towards things by rolling- I see crawling in our future. (EGADS!) Then we headed off to Galiano Island with some good friends and their kids, and again he did OH SO WELL. He came away from that weekend having discovered how to clap, wave and high five!, and he practices these new skills a lot. It’s like he discovered his hands could do OTHER things besides smooshing food and pulling on hair. And he has also discovered that he is a boy, and that part of his body provokes a great deal of curious exploration. Ah, to be a mother of a boy.

I’m doing alright here, journeying along side the kid, attempting to be tuned into him and me as much as possible. I see his little developments so much easier than my own, though. His are marked in bold exchanges with the world and seem so BIG when he begins to do something he’d never done before. “Look at him point to all the eyes of the animals in the book!” My developments are much more subtle and shifting, internal and mysterious (Look, I didn’t eat any chocolate for 3 days!). Honestly, I feel a bit foggy most days, not quite sure where I’m at. I think I’ve reached some level of peace with the breastfeeding struggle, although some days I encounter challenges that feel like I’ve got to start over again. Mostly it has to do with the semantics of feeding our babies and how unforgiving the messages of ‘breast is best’ can be to someone who was unable to give the ‘best’. A workshop on ‘Weaning and going back to work’ felt like an unfortunate demonizing and stigmatization of formula feeding (don’t we all already KNOW why breastfeeding is the best option?) and I watched as a couple other formula feeding mums slipped quietly out of the room during the hour-long discussion. I stayed and did my smiley face, although the sadness hung around with me for a few days after… That’s how it goes these days. I hang out with a good group of happy babies and their supportive and kind mums, who are like me and trying their best to be tuned into their children and give their babies the best chance in this world. It seems we all struggle with something in motherhood, and the reality of this helps to ease some of my own anguish and guilt.

I am feeling a little lost, to be sure. Motherhood is great and full and charming, but it is also a fog of activity all day long that doesn’t leave much time for reflection and consideration…

I just realized that every time I feel like I want to make a statement of honesty about the struggle, I feel compelled to back it with a statement of how much I’m loving this job. That is possibly one of the most curious things about this journey of motherhood; it can be so full of joy, laughter, successes, and marveling, and yet that fullness always seems a little shadowed by grief, anxiety, guilt, and loss.

I am reminded of the unlikely marriage of Sorrow and Compassion. Two drastically different and powerful characters, drawn together through a mutual understanding of human nature. Wandering through life hand in hand, giving back and forth to one another the gifts that each carries. We are all witness to this marriage every day; but on those days when I can remember that they contribute equally to the path of life, it somehow eases the struggle… Compassion is the one to follow Sorrow. The quiet partner, soft and gracious. Can you hear the gentle voice of Compassion?

I’m trying..

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By doriluthy, May 2, 2010 12:27 am

Finn turned 6months old yesterday! What a big milestone in our journey, and the little meatball is just surprising us every day with his funny little personality that’s emerging in charming outbursts of smiles, shrieks and giggles. Finn and I got back on Thursday from a 10 day trip south to Oregon, gone down to see family- another grandpa and gram who were out visiting, and more aunties and cousins he hadn’t met yet. Needless to say he was a big hit (proud mama). We both missed the papa a lot, and were happy to be home again.

Well, we said an unexpected farewell to breastfeeding while we were down in Oregon. I’m going to talk about it, cause I still can’t quite believe it’s done… We went with family last Saturday to the Cherry Blossom Festival in The Dalles, and between the parade and hours watching the Elvis impersonator (love) and carrying and holding onto a 20lb baby for many hours in a row just did a number on my back. I was okay for the evening, but could feel it getting worse that night. In the morning I had a terrible back spasm as I was lying Finn down for a nap, so I laid with him, trying to relax it out. A heat pack and some pain killers helped temporarily to get me down the highway to my next destination, but by Sunday night I was in such pain I couldn’t lift the child- not a good place to be with an 8 hour train ride home scheduled on Tuesday.  So a trip to urgent care on Monday morning, a prescription for heavy duty pain killers, and a postponed ticket meant a few days healing at my aunty’s house (really, the best place to heal- body and soul). It was the best place to be to talk about letting go of the milk.

I just came downstairs from lying in bed with Finn, breathing in his sleeping sweetness. His soft skin and long eyelashes, baby sleeping grunts and chubby fingers. Ahhh… One of the biggest treats in travelling with Finn by myself is that we sleep together in the bed, and I can enjoy his little warmth all night long. He was nursing for the first few night we were traveling, when he’d wake up confused and a little frightened at 5am, it was a comfort that would help him go back to sleep. Then after a few nights when he was comfortable in our new surroundings he stopped waking/nursing in the night, and then pumping was difficult to do on the road. Then the pain killers, and that milk would just be dumped if I kept pumping. Well… it just happened that it ended. 6 months in, and I’m trying to find pride in that I made it that far with the whole thing. Where are the words to describe it all?

Complex emotions, split feelings, and here at this juncture I was introduced to the Zen Buddhist concept of Ichi-go Ichi-e. Rather timely to have this appear in front of me, considering the well of ‘what-ifs’ I am floating in. Is this inevitable? Considering the struggle? And I don’t know if that idea of ‘there is no try-again’ is more helpful or sad. I have been stuck in a loop of wishing I could go back and try again. I honestly just want to feel here and now and enjoy the experiences, instead of looking back over my shoulder thinking I could have done something to change the outcome. That I didn’t try hard enough, or long enough, or get help soon enough, or enough help, or… Looping. Gonna try to stop that.

As I was lying upstairs with Finn a bit ago, I was looking over at our big bookshelf lined with the huge variety of books. My mind was wandering through titles recalling those books I’ve read, those I plan to read, and those I might have told a professor in University that ‘of course I’ve read’. And in these thoughts about books, baby and breastfeeding, I realized I tipped over into a feeling of a sense of presence and awareness that I haven’t felt for some time. There was a shift in consciousness, heightened and aware, and I could feel in that moment some peace that time was pausing for a few breaths and I was being held by it to just be in gathered in my thoughts and body and soul, cuddled in bed next to my child, observing a bookshelf that represents a journey through adulthood. It felt really good. Then it passed, and everything was exactly the same except that stirring feeling from the soul had wisped away… and I was back to the anxiety and mind-chatter and tension, but feeling a little bit softened by that moment of peace. I think it was a reminder that there is more beyond these current feelings, and as our good friend Buffy likes to remind me, ‘this too shall pass’.

I am okay. Right now listening to Linda Ronstadt and drinking mint tea as the night winds down and bed is calling my name. But I think I want to talk more about my experiences of parenting soon, and what that journey is like. Cause I’m having a load of fun with Finn and learning so many things about myself. This breastfeeding challenge has been the bump along the road of a mostly awesome time, and I want thank you readers for making space for me here to journey through it. I think there must be some grace of it being ‘over’, that I can begin to find the place to let it heal…

A river that flows.
The bridge that safely crosses.
Dropping a bundle of sticks and leaves.
Watching it float away.

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, March 18, 2010 1:28 am

Hi! It’s been a while, eh? Well, after the Olympic activity around here, I started back at my part time volunteer work with the Eastside Culture Crawl- tossed back into the fun of that, which luckily happens mostly on weekends and evenings so that Dustin and I can coordinate child care between us. I’m sure some of you out there are wondering about ‘together time’? We’re making it work, with Finn’s sleep schedule (high fives on an awesome sleeper) seeing him falling asleep around 9pm most nights and sleeping through the night- yes, we’ve found some nice cuddle time in the evenings.

In reality I’m more interested in finding ‘Dori time’ in my life right now. The Crawl work is giving me the chance to interact with my peers again, and I welcome the bit of work that it entails as it connects me to the part of myself that has been identified as Dori for the past few years. Don’t get me wrong- Mothering is as challenging as any job I’ve had, and my day is spent analyzing and questioning, creating and letting go- all in ways that I’ve never been challenged before. As Finn is getting older and more interactive, it requires me to find in myself several traits that have gone dormant in the past few years… silliness being the most obvious to myself- I honk, gurgle, chomp, sing, giggle, clap, jump, dance, squeak, shake- my days are spent learning about the utter humility and abandon necessary to entertain a 4month old. But that aside, the Crawl work is welcome in little bursts separate from mama-land.

The disconcerting side of this ever emerging motherhood is that even as  goofy-Mama I am for Finn, and enjoying back to work with the Crawl, the me that has emerged in the rest of my world has become unusually anxious, nervous, and lacking confidence. I feel out of connection with my self, body & mind in ways that I’m not used to, and it seems to be affecting my self-confidence. When I am carrying Finn out in the world I feel like wearing a badge that says I AM MOTHER- I feel like he acts as some kind of proof that I have value here. And then right behind that feeling is the waves of self-consciousness. Oh this body, I don’t recognize. I have spent the past few years working hard to loose weight gain health- and more importantly than that was my journey learning to feel proud of the shape and size that I am. But that self-love seems to have evaporated the past few months since his birth. (p.s. I LOVED my pregnant body!) My breasts still belong to the child (a huge joy is that I am still breastfeeding and pumping a small amount every day), my body is lumpy and chubby from the weight gained during pregnancy, and my knees and ankles have been complaining about that, too. My mind feels like there are holes missing, giant gaps in my ability to speak coherently and effectively (even witty?) in ways that I have been proud of in the past. Oh I constantly worry about Dustin, of something terrible happening to him. What is this anxiety? I worry so much for Finn- am I stimulating him enough? And how I worrying so much about autism and illness and eating disorders and his own sense of self and… how to help him become a healthy happy adult who will love me when he’s all grown up?

Hmmm. Sure have a lot on my mind…

Hey, not to pass on the worrying too much to you, dear reader- although if you’re here to read about my life, guess what- I’m sharing today! And if you haven’t figured it out yet, and this is something I’m learning about myself- I’m pretty resourceful. I’ve got a great counselor and a strong will to regain my health (these two things are new favourites: ediets & beyou.tv). I’m sure, as I’m sure with all things that cause anxiety in life- this too shall pass.

In the mean time, take heart that I’ve got a life with the most amazing 2 dudes in the world. And because I left you waiting long enough, here’s some gratuitous baby smooshy-booshy-wooshy. Just look at the cheeks!

Trucker Finn:

Toy time!

Chicks Dig Me:

Roar!! (what? I can’t even help it!!)

As if there could be anything cuter than this? Yeah, I’m all about this kid. He completely rocks my world. And don’t worry too much about me, just like everyone else, on my way up and down with that path of life… Need a little more endorphins and a little less chocolate (ouch, hate to admit it).

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, January 15, 2010 3:06 am

Hey there dear readers… well it’s been, um, a rather challenging week around here. I guess we hit one of those infamous fussy periods- although I can’t be sure who was actually the fussy one- me or Finn? I was at a serious low with sleep deprivation- think the exhaustion and emotions finally caught up with me and just made it very difficult here for a few days. My ability to cope with the kid’s signals (aka crying) were drastically diminished… Oh dear. And Oh well. It’s passed- and I have to acknowledge and send sincere thanks to some truly fabo friends who kept checking in on me and passing on words of wisdom- oh, and the blessing of 2 nights in a row where the little man slept for SEVEN (7!) hours, allowing me to catch up a bit on zzzz’s. I have no illusions to the fact that this sleeping ‘pattern’ may not happen again, it might be a fluke, and to be grateful for any and all hours he sleeps at night, etc. I have heard too many stories of mums thinking that ‘this was it!’ or ‘we’re on to something!’ and then the pattern changes the next day, and then the mama spends countless days trying to recreate the exact circumstances that caused such a preferable behaviour, mired in anxiety and guilt that they’ve all of a sudden done something wrong. Oh dear. I think the truth is that with parenting, one MUST practice detachment- YES FOLKS! It’s attachment parenting with a hint of detachment!

Sage advice from friend M: “… Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that babies are unpredictable creatures and you have to do what you feel is the right thing for you and not compare your baby to a baby in a book or the friend from your prenatal group. And my last word of whatever it is I’m getting at is, when you’re feeling crapped out from the lack of sleep, try not to think about “how long will this last?” Just take it one day at a time, and don’t forget, it won’t last for long (whatever that means)–that’s what my mom always says anyway, I’m trying to believe her.”

WORD.

My darling dude is upstairs in his cot, cooing to himself. It’s about 1:00am here, and he’s still awake- quietly!, but awake. I’m sitting here typing while pumping some magic milk (the 40 min it takes to pump an ounce and half? Oh yeah, a little bit of magic, in deed)… Actually, the rocky snowy mountainous peak of my anxiety came after a pumping session 2 nights ago- I got up, and in my exhausted state I managed to trip over my own feet, and (can you see this coming?) spilled most of the milk all over the floor. I thought I was going to have a complete breakdown, so much work for so little milk, and only to see it go flying out of my hands. A pile of sobbing woman? yeah, that was me, with poor Dustin looking on helplessly- that’s been the story of breastfeeding around here. Thank God for the patience that both son and husband have shown for me during these days. So Dustin put Finn to bed, and I went to sleep.

The crazy thing is that it has been OK around here with the bottle/formula feeding- I seriously thought I had gotten to an OK place with it all- it’s funny what little things can set off the big guns of flaming emotion. Lack of sleep will definitely do it to a person. But we are OK again. The love from dear friends has been so generous and although I am terrible about asking for help, I am learning to open myself to the care from others. It turns out that Motherhood is no time to be proud- I’ve been thrown into a completely new job, with a new boss, and no prior experience, relying on the teachings provided by intuition and the motivation of unconditional love, of course I need support from other people! This is just one more beautiful lesson I’m learning because of Finn in my life…

So to dramatically change the subject: Last week I went to my talented friend Wendy’s studio to do a photo shoot with Finn- OH MY! It was great to chill with a sista, and the pics turned out SO GOOD! And are you local to Vancouver? I HIGHLY recommend Wendy for your photo needs- she’s amazing, and oh so good with the kiddo, so patient and fun!  So here’s a few for your viewing pleasure- yes, he’s getting chubbier! Every day!

Oooooooooo:

My head almost exploded in glee when I saw this last one- “Are you seriously talkin to me?”

Dustin paid me the best compliment tonight, “Dori, you smell like a baby”… sigh… If only I could bottle this smell and keep it forever. The truth is that I get so terribly excited, even now at 2:00am, thinking that there is a warm yummy sleeping baby upstairs, and he is all mine- My son! Can’t wait till tomorrow- now it’s time for sleep!

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, January 1, 2010 3:13 am

Dear Readers, Happy New Year! The sounds of cars honking, people yelling and fireworks exploding have all subsided, an hour or so past the excitement of the New Year- Oh those sounds that remind me how fun the city can be, and how all of a sudden several thousands of people can feel connected and cheerful all together in the spirit of an annual occasion of a year ending, a new year beginning… it’s just amazing, isn’t it? I had almost forgot to look at the clock, but then I didn’t need to! Finn and I were happily lying here on the couch, him finishing his last meal for the night before he settles into his long sleep (fingers crossed it stays like this! 5 hours last night!!), when the din of excitement from outside erupted, surprising both of us. I had the biggest grin on my face listening to the sounds of cheer, and began to tell Finn all about 2010- how many more “firsts” he would be experiencing, and the list was VERY long, and I’m sure barely touched the surface of what life for a newborn actually entails. I wish, just for a moment, I could see from his eyes, or be inside his head- what is it like? Is there a reason we don’t have the memories of those earliest days? Hmmm…

A little pic of Finn on his playmat, having a good time! The smiles are the best part of my day, and he’s been VERY generous with them since he figured out how to use his cheeks and eyebrows for good. Not An Elf:

And in honour of our new-found rockstar partying lifestyle, Dustin fell asleep at 10:30, completely missing the New Year festivities (a burp and a little spitup)! So to share tonight’s big fun, minus the champagne, here’s photos of our evening entertainment- bathing the kiddo! Oh, I was so blessed to get a super slick Nikon D70 camera in the last couple weeks, and Dustin has also fallen in love with it- he is giving new meaning to “PAPA-razzi”- I have about 40 pics from the bathtime tonight! Isn’t he gorgeous?? Such a delight, this child.

Update: So we have developed a small routine the past few nights, off to sleep the Finn goes around 12:30 or so… and I grab the next hour of quiet for myself, to write emails, have a glass of wine, and regain a sense of me, somehow, in the dark of middle of the night. No kidding, it’s been a hard go at the breastfeeding. And it is a great relief to have this time to step away from the baby/boobie/3 foot bubble that has become my life over the past few weeks. (EVEN if it means sacrificing a little bit of sleep).  How’s the breastfeeding going? I’m sure you’re itching to know! Well, Finn’s getting what he can from me, and the rest is now supplemented with formula- it’s probably 1/3 from me, the rest coming from the bottle… oh jeez, I have had so much guilt and pain about admitting this out loud to myself and the world. Oh dear Finn, he is growing well, tipping the scales now at 10lbs 2oz, and now 24″ long.

But my tremendous desire to exclusively breastfeed has been given over to a physical inability and the need to feed my baby with whatever will help him grow and become the super-star he is destined to be. I was telling Dustin tonight that it’s perfectly easy to intellectualize the whole thing- of COURSE Finn needs whatever nutrition from whichever source can feed him the best, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not incredibly sad about the whole thing. And angry, and frustrated that I’ll never understand why this didn’t work for us. And how much I LOVE breastfeeding when it is going well (well enough, rather). And I’m so worried that if we have more children the same problems will come again. Will I ever experience the joys of exclusive breastfeeding? I never even considered that it would be any other way.

Anyway, I am trying hard to believe in the Balance that the bottle/formula has helped provide. He is sleeping longer and he is happy and he is gorgeous. And I’m getting more sleep (sans late night reflections), and Dustin now gets to help feed him, and it takes a less time for feedings (nursing vs bottle), making more time for playing… see? it should be so easy to believe that this is a good thing for everyone… and yet…

Well, I should take myself to bed. Should. But how sweet this tired feeling is, how nice it is to sit here silently thinking and writing through the day. Life has changed so dramatically since Finn’s arrival, I can’t imagine how it will ever tip back in the other direction towards the old way of living, the old way of working, the old way. And I wonder if I ever want it to? Finn’s arrival really mixed up the rubix cube of my life, and and with all things now I have to flip, turn, twist and peer closely at everything with consideration to try to find the right match for this ‘new me’. Seems good to welcome in the new year with the hope that I can find my balance…

In the mean time, I’m heading off for my first sleep in 2010.

I raise my glass to adventures ahead in 2010- with new love, old love and the chance to grow deeper in love.

Ciao.