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By doriluthy, February 20, 2012 12:24 am

Darling Beckley is going to be 6 months old in 3 days! The time is flying by so very fast, and she is doing exactly what little babies are supposed to be doing at her age- growing like a weed and generating more love that any of us thought possible. It is a true miracle, this project of growing a life, birthing, then watching the little person grow into a little human being. I just can’t get over the speed at which it is all happening. I want to swallow up these moments into my mind/body/soul and hold them forever- her scent, her giggles, her jabber-yabber, the way she laughs at her brother, how peacefully she sleeps, her soft soft skin…

I was cleaning up today and found a little poem I wrote when I was a couple weeks away from meeting Beckley. I remember sitting and writing it, so very aware of that giant creaking force that mega-pregnancy brings, and I had the sense that any moment the whole universe was going to fold up into a little paper cup and pour out a new life into my hands, and I knew that would happen with the greatest of ease (it did, birth story coming soon, promise!). Here’s my little poem:

~~~
Spinning

Centrifugal force, commanding
That invisible and felt pull,
Working with, within and without
An intention of stability.
A pull that is, responding and reacting.
Today as the body waits, oh so patiently,
For another to emerge from the warm held place
That only the mother’s birthing body can ever know.

Do you feel the spinning, pulling force
As you grow, child?
Do you hear my sighs and signs as
Hips and back and you shift,
Every day opening my body further
To the day that we would Meet…

I wait. I spin and wait.
~~~

Beckley and I, out in the rain on the weekend:

Ciao, dear reader.

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By doriluthy, October 4, 2011 12:27 am

I’m basking in a state of peace and quiet around here at this late hour. Both babes are sleeping, hubby is off at his late night hockey game, and in a gesture of Autumnal celebration I’ve decided to resist the call of sleep momentarily and have started a new knitting project (here) for a tiny baby that has just arrived into the arms of a dear friend. Yup, the only thing missing is a little chocolate.

I love knitting late in the evening after the house has been cleaned and the kids are in bed. It allows for such lovely quiet reflective moments for the soul. And with the coolness of Autumn arriving at the door, even more it sets the stage for pulling thoughts inward and getting into a meditative rhythm of yarn slipping through fingers, the quiet tap-tapping of needles, as the mind wanders around freely.

Tonight my mind is full of thoughts of the 2 beautiful little people sleeping upstairs, how blessed I am to know them in my life. I’m just so IN LOVE, in a way that grows deeper every day. Great roots are taking further hold in my life, as I feel my calling in this world declaring itself to me, M0therhood, revealing itself powerful and creative, even more day by day. And all through the glorious laughter and overwhelming moments of challenge and frustrations, with some moments when we’re all crying and some when we’re all laughing- oh yes, I love this job. The birth of Beckley and her soft folding into the family has brought me to another level of motherhood that, without even realizing, I had been waiting for- REALLY waiting for. Certainly the complexity of our days has risen, and my hands feel in near-constant motion, but it all feels so right to have become a whirling mama of diapering and feeding of little people. With no conscious effort my heart has grown in its capacity to love a whole other little person, and this love comes with such ferocity and gentleness that I can say at 6 weeks old- ‘I can’t imagine life without her’.

The other unexpected side of now parenting 2 kids is seeing my husband in a slightly new light. There has been a subtle and delightful shift in our own appreciation and support for one another- a process of quietly letting go of old expectations that might have been pushing us apart, and tightening the hold on those things that draw us closer together. I’m delighted to see him finding his rhythm in fatherhood, a calling he seems so naturally inclined towards and committed to. After over a dozen years together, it really is awesome to find ourselves wandering hand in hand in this journey of Family- something about it seems so familiar, even in it’s relative newness.

Finn’s adjusting to being an older brother, in his own way. His curiosity about Beckley is growing, as well as his tolerance of her being in my lap so often in the day. When he finds her sitting in the little bouncy chair, he is soft and gentle (mostly) in his exploration of her little face and hands. He wants to hold her and pat her. And unless he is tired or hungry himself (triggers for any of us!), it seems that she is becoming acceptable and accepted in his world… he’s having to learn a great deal about gentleness, and what a beautiful little person to learn with!

And what to say of dear Beckley? She is mellow, charming, and quite smiley for someone so little… she is starting to uncurl and really seeing this last week a growth of personality- she’s beginning to assert her little independent sounds into the family, letting us know her preferences (being held!) and her little routines. She coos with this contented little sighing sound, it just charms my heart. She is growing so well, it makes this mama very happy to see the pudgy little legs and arms swinging around in that newborn way.

Okay, bed is calling now. Glad to have gotten a few thoughts down about these fleeting days of two little ones. I can feel that I already miss this time… as it floats by so quickly. A parting sweetness for the season, picked up from a favourite place to visit:

In the deep fall
don’t you imagine the leaves think how
comfortable it will be to touch
the earth instead of the
nothingness of air and the endless
freshets of wind?

~ Mary Oliver, excerpt from Song for Autumn
in New and Selected Poems, Volume Two

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By doriluthy, August 19, 2011 11:39 pm

40 weeks, that is. Although in my world right now, exact numbers matter- so it’s been 39 weeks + 5 days that I’ve been pregnant with this little sprout, and the number that I am watching tick day by day.

There was a great flurry of activity early in the week- me with an unexpected amount of energy and a lovely visit from a very dear friend who helped me channel my wild nesting urges into productive places- with painting my bedroom, hanging curtains, moving furniture, putting together shelving… It was such a delight to work on this project which has been put off for the past 3 years!! The room is now a delicious space of peace and rest- as it should be! A perfect place for a new baby to be snuggled in with mama and papa.

But since my friend left, things have shifted and I’ve been in a state of suspended moments, quiet reflection and vulnerabilities, and a bit home-bound.

There was a rather intense evening of contractions and belly activity for several hours yesterday that had me wondering if it was the night we’d be greeting our little one. We set up the birthing pool, finished cleaning corners of the house, Dustin made a mad dash to the hardware store for a couple missing electrical plate covers for the bedroom (love it), and we kissed Finn goodnight saying that there might be baby in the morning (he woke up saying: “Mama? Baby?” which totally tweaked my heart strings)… only to have the rather close and intense contractions peter out about 1am… oh well.

So another pause, and a day filled with a surprising amount of emotion and (not surprising) exhaustion. I didn’t have the energy to leave the house today, feeling rather vulnerable after last night’s activities… will my water break as I walk down the street? will contractions start and I be alone with Finn at the park? The day was spent struggling in an attempt to hold Finn’s wonderfully boisterous energy while I also tried to hold my own quiet introspective emotional space- and give us both the kind of care we needed. HOW does that work? It was a tremendous challenge today- really, one of the greatest challenges of Motherhood I can possibly imagine- I’ll write more about that again soon…

But what I do want to try to capture and remember during these last few emotional days is how this has been a joyful, easy, sacred pregnancy that has opened my heart and spirit more than I could have imagined 39 weeks ago… Another great life change that has given pause for reflection and helped towards healing some very old pains. It has brought me closer to a sense of a Divine connection in my life, closer than I have felt in a very long time. And as the impending workload grows, it has really pushed me to be brave in reaching out and expanding my circle of dear ones (trusting!) and helpmates. All of these things I can say have come along with the creative energy of growing a new child, and this second baby has been a great gift already… and I haven’t even met him/her yet! Honestly, what a magnificent event pregnancy is- to have the opportunity to hold two souls in one body for this short time, and to find what gifts are waiting to be drawn from the remarkable creative energy that IS.

I trust, I trust, I trust… in my body to know, the baby to know, and the spirit to hold it all in strength until it is time to separate and become. I am so eager to meet this phenomenal little person who has already given me so much.

Will keep you posted!

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By doriluthy, July 27, 2011 12:15 am

It’s almost 10:30pm, and I’m pooped. I’ve spent some time tonight working on gathering together the various bits and pieces deemed as necessary on my “Checklist for Home Birth” that the midwife gave me a couple weeks ago. Initially I spent a few minutes just staring at the list, amazed that such simple items (6 bath towels, 1 large ziploc baggie, bendy straws) could possibly be associated with such a monumental event. Really! Isn’t it a marvel? How truly simple life is (2 large garbage bags, a roll of paper towels), and how birth, in its massively life-altering way, just fits into that simpleness.

I’m laying here watching the stretching and wiggling of my belly full of baby, and the strange movements of a little one who must be a little buzzed from the bowl of praline pecan ice cream I just ate (you’re welcome!). Time is coming fast for this one to arrive. I’m just over 36 weeks pregnant now, and in just a few more days I’ll be cleared for a home birth. Birth pool arrives later this week, baby’s in a good position, and I’ve nearly emptied that jar of tangy dijon mustard that seems to be finding its way onto almost everything I eat these days (pregnancy weirdness). Yeah, I think I’m feeling ready.

Well, as ready as anyone can be for Birth. We’ve been spending a bit of time talking to Finn about the upcoming birth experience, as we hope things will line up for him to witness his little sibling enter the world (he’s got his own ‘birth partner’ to keep tabs of him in the journey). A great little book “Hello Baby”, has become a favourite in the house (Finn has been wanting to read it 2-3 times a day) and been a good tool for discussion- including a midwife, birthing mama, tiny baby, placenta, and umbilical cord as part of the story and pictures. And a nice benefit of reading the book with Finn is the discussions that come up between Dustin and I- we are also working through our thoughts about this next stage of the journey. Roles, expectations, lingering anxiety, more changes, and ideas about simplifying life even more.

2 weeks ago we headed to Galiano Island for almost a week of camping with friends and just enjoying the island pace of life. It’s so different than our beloved Tofino- which is so gorgeous, rugged and remote, bear-filled and wild. Tofino always feels like a place you have to ‘hold your own’ against it’s unpredictable wind-swept fury. In contrast (as I assume most of the Gulf Islands) Galiano is (sparsely) populated and contained, and we lounged around the ocean filled days and starry nights admiring the racoons and owls prowling the evenings, enjoying bountiful and fresh food, driving the slow lazy roads that just wind along, checking out all shops (best cheese? cheapest beer?), and definitely tagging along to the foot-stomping country dance on Saturday night with the local folk band. And did I mention there were enough ‘For Sale’ signs to get my little country-girl heart racing at the idea of a little piece of land to call our own? Well, I just HAD to go look around. So, of course I fell in love with a little piece of land, which I am dearly trying, in my 36 weeks of pregnancy, to stop thinking about! Thinking about? Well, if you want to know- chickens, greenhouse, a small studio, gardens, wood pile, a couple canoes, and kiddos running around free as country kids can be. Of course, none of that exists (yet, heehee). The reality is we live here in a sweet little townhouse in a fabulous neighborhood in the middle of a big city. And over there on that island is a junk-filled, inexpensive piece of land with a funky house that needs a lot of work. Ooooh, what a tasty, tasty dream.

Anyway, in all of this I can feel the tempting of what that other lifestyle offers. I can feel it in my bones. Dustin, too. I think that the Spirit of Simple (and maybe our grannies from the next world) is holding a candlelight for us, reminding us of our roots, tempting us with dreams of little pieces of land.

In this dreaming, I can tell that the cloak of motherhood is wrapping tighter around me as I again approach that gate of birthing. In the ways that facing a life-altering event can shift the deepest awareness and perceptions, I’m standing before myself, revealed to myself, with earnestness and creativity. These late days of pregnancy feel so vulnerable, and precious too. It’s an exposure that comes so rarely in life and I am trying to just hold the awareness of myself, observing, curious and kind, in this very temporary state of being.

So I’m laying out the towels and sheets for a birth that will soon come knocking, taking these few quiet moments to watch my belly do the mysterious dance, and anticipating with my husband and son the welcoming of the next member and next stage of our little growing family.

I hope you can find some simple, too.

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By doriluthy, June 17, 2011 12:39 am

I could post another blog about baking or baby, but tonight I’ve got some meat to grill… well, not real meat… anyway, let’s talk, blogosphere.

I just got home from representing the non-profit arts organization that I am the President of at a conference on… well, it doesn’t actually matter what the conference was about for the purpose of this blog. What matters is the affect that the conference topic had on me, and the affect that this specific type of event always seems to have on me. And Dustin can testify (as he said to me tonight when I got home- you LOVE this Thing!, you’re just so LIT up!) that I have a passion for service to this Thing in life/community that is fairly unrelated to mothering children. And the real trick-up seems to be that to consider pursuing it further means that I would be putting myself out there in a fairly committed career capacity. AKA: working mama. And this Thing is so alluring, it holds me captivated and curious, taps into some of my unique skills, draws me to want to be a part of it…

And yet, I’m a year and half into raising my first child and 2 months away from birthing my second child, and so far I just love love LOVE this project of motherhood. I also seem to be doing a pretty good job (thanks hubby), and most of my life I have joyfully imagined that I would be spending the years with children as a stay home mama, likely doing some version of homeschooling/unschooling as they grow into themselves in the world. Raising kids also is so alluring, captivating, tapping into my talents, and drawing me in…

And let’s not even mention my art practice, (my REAL first child) which is patiently percolating on a shelf right now as a little project taps, taps, taps on the right side of my brain, just asking to be looked at. Um, can we say unused studio space? Dang…

What’s a woman to do? Here I am looking at these three wonderful passions- Artist, Mama, Thing- attempting to reconcile time and the meaning of each of them and determine the things I want to be a part of in life. I’m struggling with the reality of how to be of service to the world and my own family and how to pursue the things that bring me joy without sacrificing my values (especially around raising children!). I know that life isn’t exclusive or even permanent, and that nothing has to happen IMMEDIATELY (except caring for myself and babies), but I feel like there might have to be some major reconciling while navigating this journey in ‘discovery of self’, and I’m not sure what that can even look like. What kinds of beliefs about myself might have to be shifted in pursuit of … oh who knows? Life seems to be one giant game of the Hokey Pokey.

Anyone out there want to help me grill up some of this meat? Seriously, I could use a little advice…