Breathing.
Comments (0) Finn turned 6months old yesterday! What a big milestone in our journey, and the little meatball is just surprising us every day with his funny little personality that’s emerging in charming outbursts of smiles, shrieks and giggles. Finn and I got back on Thursday from a 10 day trip south to Oregon, gone down to see family- another grandpa and gram who were out visiting, and more aunties and cousins he hadn’t met yet. Needless to say he was a big hit (proud mama). We both missed the papa a lot, and were happy to be home again.
Well, we said an unexpected farewell to breastfeeding while we were down in Oregon. I’m going to talk about it, cause I still can’t quite believe it’s done… We went with family last Saturday to the Cherry Blossom Festival in The Dalles, and between the parade and hours watching the Elvis impersonator (love) and carrying and holding onto a 20lb baby for many hours in a row just did a number on my back. I was okay for the evening, but could feel it getting worse that night. In the morning I had a terrible back spasm as I was lying Finn down for a nap, so I laid with him, trying to relax it out. A heat pack and some pain killers helped temporarily to get me down the highway to my next destination, but by Sunday night I was in such pain I couldn’t lift the child- not a good place to be with an 8 hour train ride home scheduled on Tuesday. So a trip to urgent care on Monday morning, a prescription for heavy duty pain killers, and a postponed ticket meant a few days healing at my aunty’s house (really, the best place to heal- body and soul). It was the best place to be to talk about letting go of the milk.
I just came downstairs from lying in bed with Finn, breathing in his sleeping sweetness. His soft skin and long eyelashes, baby sleeping grunts and chubby fingers. Ahhh… One of the biggest treats in travelling with Finn by myself is that we sleep together in the bed, and I can enjoy his little warmth all night long. He was nursing for the first few night we were traveling, when he’d wake up confused and a little frightened at 5am, it was a comfort that would help him go back to sleep. Then after a few nights when he was comfortable in our new surroundings he stopped waking/nursing in the night, and then pumping was difficult to do on the road. Then the pain killers, and that milk would just be dumped if I kept pumping. Well… it just happened that it ended. 6 months in, and I’m trying to find pride in that I made it that far with the whole thing. Where are the words to describe it all?
Complex emotions, split feelings, and here at this juncture I was introduced to the Zen Buddhist concept of Ichi-go Ichi-e. Rather timely to have this appear in front of me, considering the well of ‘what-ifs’ I am floating in. Is this inevitable? Considering the struggle? And I don’t know if that idea of ‘there is no try-again’ is more helpful or sad. I have been stuck in a loop of wishing I could go back and try again. I honestly just want to feel here and now and enjoy the experiences, instead of looking back over my shoulder thinking I could have done something to change the outcome. That I didn’t try hard enough, or long enough, or get help soon enough, or enough help, or… Looping. Gonna try to stop that.
As I was lying upstairs with Finn a bit ago, I was looking over at our big bookshelf lined with the huge variety of books. My mind was wandering through titles recalling those books I’ve read, those I plan to read, and those I might have told a professor in University that ‘of course I’ve read’. And in these thoughts about books, baby and breastfeeding, I realized I tipped over into a feeling of a sense of presence and awareness that I haven’t felt for some time. There was a shift in consciousness, heightened and aware, and I could feel in that moment some peace that time was pausing for a few breaths and I was being held by it to just be in gathered in my thoughts and body and soul, cuddled in bed next to my child, observing a bookshelf that represents a journey through adulthood. It felt really good. Then it passed, and everything was exactly the same except that stirring feeling from the soul had wisped away… and I was back to the anxiety and mind-chatter and tension, but feeling a little bit softened by that moment of peace. I think it was a reminder that there is more beyond these current feelings, and as our good friend Buffy likes to remind me, ‘this too shall pass’.
I am okay. Right now listening to Linda Ronstadt and drinking mint tea as the night winds down and bed is calling my name. But I think I want to talk more about my experiences of parenting soon, and what that journey is like. Cause I’m having a load of fun with Finn and learning so many things about myself. This breastfeeding challenge has been the bump along the road of a mostly awesome time, and I want thank you readers for making space for me here to journey through it. I think there must be some grace of it being ‘over’, that I can begin to find the place to let it heal…
A river that flows.
The bridge that safely crosses.
Dropping a bundle of sticks and leaves.
Watching it float away.
Ciao.
Themocracy