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By doriluthy, July 28, 2010 11:39 pm

Some days I don’t have time to take a shower. Some days I don’t go to the bathroom for hours, even if I REALLY have to go. Some days I don’t drink enough water. Some days I eat too much food. Some days I think I’m boring. Some days I worry that Finn’s been in the stroller or car seat too long. Some days I wonder if he’ll ever want to crawl. Some days I laugh and laugh. Some days I cry and cry.

But every day? I marvel at the perfection of this little life and the unfolding of this beautiful creature that occupies almost every moment of my time. He really is perfect, doing things just as he is meant to be doing them. Isn’t that a lesson? Each step, even the bumpy uncertain ones, are just right. They are all so critical to making up the story that is his life; the learning, developing, exploring, inquiring, imaginative, funny little man that he is already, and will continue to become more of. He’s already completely himself.

As of Friday, Finn will have been outside just as long as he was inside. 9 months in, 9 months out, and just so confidently himself regardless of time.

In the past month we’ve been to Tofino and back, a week of Finn’s first camping, beach strolling, sand eating, and ocean dipping- and he did OH SO WELL. We returned home to him deciding it was time to learn to roll, like for real. (He’d been taking his time with the mobility stuff.) He’s now flopping back and forth, and figured out that he can propel himself towards things by rolling- I see crawling in our future. (EGADS!) Then we headed off to Galiano Island with some good friends and their kids, and again he did OH SO WELL. He came away from that weekend having discovered how to clap, wave and high five!, and he practices these new skills a lot. It’s like he discovered his hands could do OTHER things besides smooshing food and pulling on hair. And he has also discovered that he is a boy, and that part of his body provokes a great deal of curious exploration. Ah, to be a mother of a boy.

I’m doing alright here, journeying along side the kid, attempting to be tuned into him and me as much as possible. I see his little developments so much easier than my own, though. His are marked in bold exchanges with the world and seem so BIG when he begins to do something he’d never done before. “Look at him point to all the eyes of the animals in the book!” My developments are much more subtle and shifting, internal and mysterious (Look, I didn’t eat any chocolate for 3 days!). Honestly, I feel a bit foggy most days, not quite sure where I’m at. I think I’ve reached some level of peace with the breastfeeding struggle, although some days I encounter challenges that feel like I’ve got to start over again. Mostly it has to do with the semantics of feeding our babies and how unforgiving the messages of ‘breast is best’ can be to someone who was unable to give the ‘best’. A workshop on ‘Weaning and going back to work’ felt like an unfortunate demonizing and stigmatization of formula feeding (don’t we all already KNOW why breastfeeding is the best option?) and I watched as a couple other formula feeding mums slipped quietly out of the room during the hour-long discussion. I stayed and did my smiley face, although the sadness hung around with me for a few days after… That’s how it goes these days. I hang out with a good group of happy babies and their supportive and kind mums, who are like me and trying their best to be tuned into their children and give their babies the best chance in this world. It seems we all struggle with something in motherhood, and the reality of this helps to ease some of my own anguish and guilt.

I am feeling a little lost, to be sure. Motherhood is great and full and charming, but it is also a fog of activity all day long that doesn’t leave much time for reflection and consideration…

I just realized that every time I feel like I want to make a statement of honesty about the struggle, I feel compelled to back it with a statement of how much I’m loving this job. That is possibly one of the most curious things about this journey of motherhood; it can be so full of joy, laughter, successes, and marveling, and yet that fullness always seems a little shadowed by grief, anxiety, guilt, and loss.

I am reminded of the unlikely marriage of Sorrow and Compassion. Two drastically different and powerful characters, drawn together through a mutual understanding of human nature. Wandering through life hand in hand, giving back and forth to one another the gifts that each carries. We are all witness to this marriage every day; but on those days when I can remember that they contribute equally to the path of life, it somehow eases the struggle… Compassion is the one to follow Sorrow. The quiet partner, soft and gracious. Can you hear the gentle voice of Compassion?

I’m trying..

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By doriluthy, March 18, 2010 1:28 am

Hi! It’s been a while, eh? Well, after the Olympic activity around here, I started back at my part time volunteer work with the Eastside Culture Crawl- tossed back into the fun of that, which luckily happens mostly on weekends and evenings so that Dustin and I can coordinate child care between us. I’m sure some of you out there are wondering about ‘together time’? We’re making it work, with Finn’s sleep schedule (high fives on an awesome sleeper) seeing him falling asleep around 9pm most nights and sleeping through the night- yes, we’ve found some nice cuddle time in the evenings.

In reality I’m more interested in finding ‘Dori time’ in my life right now. The Crawl work is giving me the chance to interact with my peers again, and I welcome the bit of work that it entails as it connects me to the part of myself that has been identified as Dori for the past few years. Don’t get me wrong- Mothering is as challenging as any job I’ve had, and my day is spent analyzing and questioning, creating and letting go- all in ways that I’ve never been challenged before. As Finn is getting older and more interactive, it requires me to find in myself several traits that have gone dormant in the past few years… silliness being the most obvious to myself- I honk, gurgle, chomp, sing, giggle, clap, jump, dance, squeak, shake- my days are spent learning about the utter humility and abandon necessary to entertain a 4month old. But that aside, the Crawl work is welcome in little bursts separate from mama-land.

The disconcerting side of this ever emerging motherhood is that even as  goofy-Mama I am for Finn, and enjoying back to work with the Crawl, the me that has emerged in the rest of my world has become unusually anxious, nervous, and lacking confidence. I feel out of connection with my self, body & mind in ways that I’m not used to, and it seems to be affecting my self-confidence. When I am carrying Finn out in the world I feel like wearing a badge that says I AM MOTHER- I feel like he acts as some kind of proof that I have value here. And then right behind that feeling is the waves of self-consciousness. Oh this body, I don’t recognize. I have spent the past few years working hard to loose weight gain health- and more importantly than that was my journey learning to feel proud of the shape and size that I am. But that self-love seems to have evaporated the past few months since his birth. (p.s. I LOVED my pregnant body!) My breasts still belong to the child (a huge joy is that I am still breastfeeding and pumping a small amount every day), my body is lumpy and chubby from the weight gained during pregnancy, and my knees and ankles have been complaining about that, too. My mind feels like there are holes missing, giant gaps in my ability to speak coherently and effectively (even witty?) in ways that I have been proud of in the past. Oh I constantly worry about Dustin, of something terrible happening to him. What is this anxiety? I worry so much for Finn- am I stimulating him enough? And how I worrying so much about autism and illness and eating disorders and his own sense of self and… how to help him become a healthy happy adult who will love me when he’s all grown up?

Hmmm. Sure have a lot on my mind…

Hey, not to pass on the worrying too much to you, dear reader- although if you’re here to read about my life, guess what- I’m sharing today! And if you haven’t figured it out yet, and this is something I’m learning about myself- I’m pretty resourceful. I’ve got a great counselor and a strong will to regain my health (these two things are new favourites: ediets & beyou.tv). I’m sure, as I’m sure with all things that cause anxiety in life- this too shall pass.

In the mean time, take heart that I’ve got a life with the most amazing 2 dudes in the world. And because I left you waiting long enough, here’s some gratuitous baby smooshy-booshy-wooshy. Just look at the cheeks!

Trucker Finn:

Toy time!

Chicks Dig Me:

Roar!! (what? I can’t even help it!!)

As if there could be anything cuter than this? Yeah, I’m all about this kid. He completely rocks my world. And don’t worry too much about me, just like everyone else, on my way up and down with that path of life… Need a little more endorphins and a little less chocolate (ouch, hate to admit it).

Ciao.