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By doriluthy, April 9, 2010 11:02 pm

Oh how the days roll one into another, weeks going by so fast, and Finn is a big dude now at 5months old! He’s already over 19lbs, and 28 1/4″ long- and if you know baby sizing, that’s almost the size of an average 1 year old! We are so delighted by his charming disposition, his smiles that go on for miles, and his social nature. Some days I worry I’m not doing him justice in keeping him entertained and occupied. It’s so much work to keep up with a curious bambino! I am really anxious for summer to get here, I plan on spending a huge amount of time at the local park lying out on a big blanket with other baby friends and piles of toys and stuff to play with. In the meantime we make it work in the small space of our apartment, and lots (LOTS!) of outings throughout the week. Spring fever came on strong. Here’s a snapshot of Finn playing with a toy, LOVE the face: (You can watch the video HERE)

And 5 months? Seriously. How did we get this far in the blink of an eye? All I know is that is one big blinking eye. I don’t think I have ever felt such a tremendous rushing by of the time as I have in the past 5 months. I look back at the photos from Finn’s first days with us, and I can hardly believe that was even in the same lifetime. Honestly, I find it a bit hard to look at those photos and see that tiny precious baby, and remembering how emotional and exhausted I felt, and how desperate and out of control I was feeling about the breastfeeding difficulties. A big part of me so wishes I could go back to that very moment of birth and restart, to go through all of that again with the knowledge and information that I now have. I realize in retrospect how unprepared I was when it came to breastfeeding, and that I was operating on the assumption that it was some natural process that would just ‘work’. Of all the reading and studying I did leading up to his birth, that was the ONE thing I regret not having spent more time attempting to understand. I have no idea if that would have resulted in a different outcome, but I just have such sorrow for the loss of that experience, and would it help to ease it somehow? (I suppose anyone familiar with the stages of grief can put their finger on this one- odd how knowing that this is ‘normal’ to be feeling this way doesn’t help either). Just the same today as every day for the past 5 months, I’m still struggling along with my tiny milk supply- struggling with a decision to continue putting in the time to give Finn a daily snack of mama-vitamins (about an hour+ of pumping daily for 2-3 ounces), or do I just let it go… I’m sure from the outside it’s almost laughable, why bother? I’ve been clinging to the desire to breastfeed, even as I watch in the past 3 months my already small supply drop drop drop to this point. I have no clear idea in my head about when it would be ‘right’ to stop. I have no clear idea about why I think this is so important to me. I do have a feeling that stopping is something like giving up.

Will I EVER stop feeling this way? Will I finally get a grip and just feel OK? … The part that makes me the angriest is that no-one has been able to give me an explanation for why it didn’t work. I wonder if knowing that there was some reason would help make swallowing it somehow easier. Although I realize now that the loss I feel has to do with MY relationship to breastfeeding, and much less to do with Finn’s well-being (as he’s turning out to be doing quite well as a formula fed bambino, thank God). But I am entirely incredibly jealous when I see other mothers breastfeeding their babies, and that sense of loss is so deeply profound. I have wanted it so bad, but it’s not ever going to be part of this reality of Finn and mama. So that question of when do I just give up? Let it go?

My apologies, these entries seem to be incredibly bi-polar these days- mama drama and then adorable bambino… But I feel like this is part of my healing about this struggle. Parenthood is Awesome, but why don’t people tell you how freakin challenging it’s also going to be? Hmm, I’ll tell you. But that being said, I am also the kind of gal that feels the need to end on a positive note- besides, I know you are all here for the baby pictures these days. Yah Yah, Dori, Blah Blah- Show us the BABY!

Well it turns out this post is all about food (variations on the theme). We’ve started working on solid foods this week, although I can say it’s much more of a sampling than really eating. He slurps and licks, noms and lips, and a bit of the food probably makes it down his throat. I’ve decided to hold off on the boxed cereals that are touted as ‘first foods for baby’ for a little bit (I have a few thoughts on this) and see what he thinks about ‘real’ foods- whole foods that are nutrient dense and full of goodness. Avocado is a natural choice for first food- full of healthy fats and proteins, chock full of fibre, a natural source of Vitamin C and Iron (just to name a few of it’s awesome properties)- good things for my baby’s growing body. Also on tonight’s menu was a baby smoothie of blended berries- a blue/raspberry combo which might taste a little tart, but he seemed to enjoy the flavour!

I’m trying to get the timing right as the past 2 nights we’ve been eating a little while after his last bottle, but he seems to be getting too tired by the end of the ‘meal’ to enjoy it… I think I’ll start working on food in the middle of the day- maybe after he wakes from a nap before he’s hungry for milk, and see if that makes any difference.

For anyone interested, these are the books I’m delighted by when it comes to baby feeding: (although for now I have to skip the  “breast is best” chapters or I end up with a furrowed brow)
- Feeding the Whole Family, by Cynthia Lair
- Real Food for Mother and Baby, by Nina Planck

Okay, Finn feel asleep at 8:00pm, and I’ve had the luxury of writing this post in one sitting- a rare treat. But I suppose I’ll head to bed now that my guts are spilled for the night.

Ciao!

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By doriluthy, March 25, 2010 1:32 pm

Baby’s sleeping! Must write furiously fast! Have storytime and swimming this afternoon. Must shower and shave legs before he wakes- Thursday pre-swim ritual, (don’t want to scare the kiddies at the pool). I just wanted to post pic of darling child, reminder that we’re still here…He’s modeling the newest sweater to come off mama’s knitting needles! I think he looks quite dapper, like he belongs on the sea in a boat… It’s the cowl neck, gets me every time.

Almost 5months old already! He’s getting good at sitting up with his strong core muscles, but still quite tippy when he gets there. He’s got his little legs in the air almost all the time he’s laying on his back, funny funny, grabbing at his toes and feet.

Okay, time to go! Ciao.

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By doriluthy, March 18, 2010 1:28 am

Hi! It’s been a while, eh? Well, after the Olympic activity around here, I started back at my part time volunteer work with the Eastside Culture Crawl- tossed back into the fun of that, which luckily happens mostly on weekends and evenings so that Dustin and I can coordinate child care between us. I’m sure some of you out there are wondering about ‘together time’? We’re making it work, with Finn’s sleep schedule (high fives on an awesome sleeper) seeing him falling asleep around 9pm most nights and sleeping through the night- yes, we’ve found some nice cuddle time in the evenings.

In reality I’m more interested in finding ‘Dori time’ in my life right now. The Crawl work is giving me the chance to interact with my peers again, and I welcome the bit of work that it entails as it connects me to the part of myself that has been identified as Dori for the past few years. Don’t get me wrong- Mothering is as challenging as any job I’ve had, and my day is spent analyzing and questioning, creating and letting go- all in ways that I’ve never been challenged before. As Finn is getting older and more interactive, it requires me to find in myself several traits that have gone dormant in the past few years… silliness being the most obvious to myself- I honk, gurgle, chomp, sing, giggle, clap, jump, dance, squeak, shake- my days are spent learning about the utter humility and abandon necessary to entertain a 4month old. But that aside, the Crawl work is welcome in little bursts separate from mama-land.

The disconcerting side of this ever emerging motherhood is that even as  goofy-Mama I am for Finn, and enjoying back to work with the Crawl, the me that has emerged in the rest of my world has become unusually anxious, nervous, and lacking confidence. I feel out of connection with my self, body & mind in ways that I’m not used to, and it seems to be affecting my self-confidence. When I am carrying Finn out in the world I feel like wearing a badge that says I AM MOTHER- I feel like he acts as some kind of proof that I have value here. And then right behind that feeling is the waves of self-consciousness. Oh this body, I don’t recognize. I have spent the past few years working hard to loose weight gain health- and more importantly than that was my journey learning to feel proud of the shape and size that I am. But that self-love seems to have evaporated the past few months since his birth. (p.s. I LOVED my pregnant body!) My breasts still belong to the child (a huge joy is that I am still breastfeeding and pumping a small amount every day), my body is lumpy and chubby from the weight gained during pregnancy, and my knees and ankles have been complaining about that, too. My mind feels like there are holes missing, giant gaps in my ability to speak coherently and effectively (even witty?) in ways that I have been proud of in the past. Oh I constantly worry about Dustin, of something terrible happening to him. What is this anxiety? I worry so much for Finn- am I stimulating him enough? And how I worrying so much about autism and illness and eating disorders and his own sense of self and… how to help him become a healthy happy adult who will love me when he’s all grown up?

Hmmm. Sure have a lot on my mind…

Hey, not to pass on the worrying too much to you, dear reader- although if you’re here to read about my life, guess what- I’m sharing today! And if you haven’t figured it out yet, and this is something I’m learning about myself- I’m pretty resourceful. I’ve got a great counselor and a strong will to regain my health (these two things are new favourites: ediets & beyou.tv). I’m sure, as I’m sure with all things that cause anxiety in life- this too shall pass.

In the mean time, take heart that I’ve got a life with the most amazing 2 dudes in the world. And because I left you waiting long enough, here’s some gratuitous baby smooshy-booshy-wooshy. Just look at the cheeks!

Trucker Finn:

Toy time!

Chicks Dig Me:

Roar!! (what? I can’t even help it!!)

As if there could be anything cuter than this? Yeah, I’m all about this kid. He completely rocks my world. And don’t worry too much about me, just like everyone else, on my way up and down with that path of life… Need a little more endorphins and a little less chocolate (ouch, hate to admit it).

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, February 22, 2010 2:01 am

Come on! Why else do we have children if not to dress them up and have a little laugh?

Anyway, Finn (cowboy boots and shades!) and I (shaved my legs this week!) have been out exploring the city of Vancouver- maybe you heard that the 2010 Olympics are here right now? Chaos? Masses of people roaming the streets? Very excited hockey fans waving jumbo size flags as they line up all over the city to kill time while they anxiously awaiting the next game (sorry for your loss tonight, Oh Canada)? Nightly fireworks and a big cauldron of flame?… surely you’ve heard! Anyway, wandering the City with my doesn’t-give-a-crap 17 week old baby, we’ve discovered the busiest place to be is downtown- Granville and Robson Streets are closed to vehicles, making blocks and blocks of party zone, and Robson Square with it’s evening fire and light shows, free zip line across downtown (6hour lineup!), lots of fabo live performances, and the thousands of people wandering the streets in all forms of cheer and excitement, makes for a lively core to this generally not so lively city.

But this afternoon we decided to avoid the big crowds and went down to Granville Island for Winterupption! (my favourite Vancouver free winter event!)- and it honestly was no busier down on GI than any other Sunday afternoon on a beautiful sunny day- I think that the masses of people are focused downtown, and not really wandering much afield. Chinatown, Gastown, the Drive and Kits all seem to be about the same level of busy-ness as usual… are the Olympics really bringing the kind of economic shot-in-the-arm that was envisioned? Hmmm… A wander through Chapter’s bookstore this afternoon, at the corner of the busiest part of downtown, proved extremely quiet, with very few people shopping and I was told by a clerk that has been like this for the whole week- although the lineup for the neighboring Starbucks stretched halfway through non-fiction!

Regardless of this all, we are enjoying ourselves as much as possible- just look at this photo- can you believe the excitement on this face? (As you can see he is a big fan of tobogganing.)

Okay, so I’ve been having these moments wandering around the city with Finn and surrounded by his people, when it occurs to me that HE IS CANADIAN. I mean he is born here, and for that reason alone he will always be different from his parents. We don’t quite belong like he does. It’s like growing basil, you can either start it from a seed (the challenging old fashioned way) or you can buy a starter and transplant it (of course that’s what I do)… But seriously folks, it’s pretty cool having a kid that is really fundamentally different than me. Sometimes I feel like I just delivered him to where he belongs, as if from the beginning of my life I was destined to give birth to Canadian Bacon.

Did you watch the Opening Ceremonies of the Olympics? Did you see the fabulous k.d. lang singing Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’ (2 of my fav Canadians, btw). Well I just got all teary watching her singing, and holding little sleeping Finn close channeling all the mama pride I could muster on behalf of my blissfully ignorant bambino. It was awesome, and I’m so glad he has this place to call home.

I’m off to bed! Must get rest for tomorrow, another fun-filled day of Olympic-themed action.

Ciao!

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By doriluthy, February 12, 2010 2:50 am

Dear Finn,

Happy 15 weeks of life!

Oh dear, the time has gone by so fast! You are a busy little boy, curiously reaching into the world with your chubby little hands, trying to figure out the finger coordination and what is worth engaging with. You are so darn smiley, just a little eye contact gets the grins rolling. We weighed in on Tuesday, and you’ve made it to 15lbs 5oz!! Nearly double your birth weight! You are a hearty eater, and get really excited when we start getting your bottle made- it really amazes me how much you know already at 3 months old.

You know you are so well loved and cared for- I can tell by your sweet cooing and snuggles. Of course it’s been my own heart’s challenge in coming to terms with my low-milk supply that couldn’t alone sustain your needs. You are still nursing ‘just enough’, (which makes mama very happy) and just in the last couple days you’ve started to caress my necklace (I make an effort every day to put on a little bling) as you snuggle in close. I am so proud of your patience with me, as we’ve made it this far with the breastfeeding, and I’m still making a little milk to give to you every day. I asked papa to take some photos of me tonight while you were nursing- Sarah suggested to me that it might help me feel proud of what I am doing to see us together. She was right. I have a funny little dream of you still nursing for the next few months, and that your little milk snacks will just remain part of our daily rituals. But we’ll see, right?

I have found myself so deeply in love with you- there are times when I feel almost overwhelmed by the intense joy that comes rushing out of my throat when I say your name- my son! Finn! And I was completely unprepared for the kinds of personal growth that has come from your arrival- I mean some really old stuff that is getting a chance to come forward and get digested. Someone once said that having a baby is like having your rubix cube (of life) all mixed up again- where you might have had some patterns forming and colours combining, once baby arrives, the whole thing gets shaken up to the very beginning.

But don’t worry, little one, this is not a bad thing at all- I am growing just as you are growing! We are like two newborns, together travelling a path that is unwritten and unknown. We have each other, and that’s the really cool part about being a mother and a son. From the moment you were born, we will always have each other.

Love, Mama