Oh how the days roll one into another, weeks going by so fast, and Finn is a big dude now at 5months old! He’s already over 19lbs, and 28 1/4″ long- and if you know baby sizing, that’s almost the size of an average 1 year old! We are so delighted by his charming disposition, his smiles that go on for miles, and his social nature. Some days I worry I’m not doing him justice in keeping him entertained and occupied. It’s so much work to keep up with a curious bambino! I am really anxious for summer to get here, I plan on spending a huge amount of time at the local park lying out on a big blanket with other baby friends and piles of toys and stuff to play with. In the meantime we make it work in the small space of our apartment, and lots (LOTS!) of outings throughout the week. Spring fever came on strong. Here’s a snapshot of Finn playing with a toy, LOVE the face: (You can watch the video HERE)

And 5 months? Seriously. How did we get this far in the blink of an eye? All I know is that is one big blinking eye. I don’t think I have ever felt such a tremendous rushing by of the time as I have in the past 5 months. I look back at the photos from Finn’s first days with us, and I can hardly believe that was even in the same lifetime. Honestly, I find it a bit hard to look at those photos and see that tiny precious baby, and remembering how emotional and exhausted I felt, and how desperate and out of control I was feeling about the breastfeeding difficulties. A big part of me so wishes I could go back to that very moment of birth and restart, to go through all of that again with the knowledge and information that I now have. I realize in retrospect how unprepared I was when it came to breastfeeding, and that I was operating on the assumption that it was some natural process that would just ‘work’. Of all the reading and studying I did leading up to his birth, that was the ONE thing I regret not having spent more time attempting to understand. I have no idea if that would have resulted in a different outcome, but I just have such sorrow for the loss of that experience, and would it help to ease it somehow? (I suppose anyone familiar with the stages of grief can put their finger on this one- odd how knowing that this is ‘normal’ to be feeling this way doesn’t help either). Just the same today as every day for the past 5 months, I’m still struggling along with my tiny milk supply- struggling with a decision to continue putting in the time to give Finn a daily snack of mama-vitamins (about an hour+ of pumping daily for 2-3 ounces), or do I just let it go… I’m sure from the outside it’s almost laughable, why bother? I’ve been clinging to the desire to breastfeed, even as I watch in the past 3 months my already small supply drop drop drop to this point. I have no clear idea in my head about when it would be ‘right’ to stop. I have no clear idea about why I think this is so important to me. I do have a feeling that stopping is something like giving up.

Will I EVER stop feeling this way? Will I finally get a grip and just feel OK? … The part that makes me the angriest is that no-one has been able to give me an explanation for why it didn’t work. I wonder if knowing that there was some reason would help make swallowing it somehow easier. Although I realize now that the loss I feel has to do with MY relationship to breastfeeding, and much less to do with Finn’s well-being (as he’s turning out to be doing quite well as a formula fed bambino, thank God). But I am entirely incredibly jealous when I see other mothers breastfeeding their babies, and that sense of loss is so deeply profound. I have wanted it so bad, but it’s not ever going to be part of this reality of Finn and mama. So that question of when do I just give up? Let it go?

My apologies, these entries seem to be incredibly bi-polar these days- mama drama and then adorable bambino… But I feel like this is part of my healing about this struggle. Parenthood is Awesome, but why don’t people tell you how freakin challenging it’s also going to be? Hmm, I’ll tell you. But that being said, I am also the kind of gal that feels the need to end on a positive note- besides, I know you are all here for the baby pictures these days. Yah Yah, Dori, Blah Blah- Show us the BABY!

Well it turns out this post is all about food (variations on the theme). We’ve started working on solid foods this week, although I can say it’s much more of a sampling than really eating. He slurps and licks, noms and lips, and a bit of the food probably makes it down his throat. I’ve decided to hold off on the boxed cereals that are touted as ‘first foods for baby’ for a little bit (I have a few thoughts on this) and see what he thinks about ‘real’ foods- whole foods that are nutrient dense and full of goodness. Avocado is a natural choice for first food- full of healthy fats and proteins, chock full of fibre, a natural source of Vitamin C and Iron (just to name a few of it’s awesome properties)- good things for my baby’s growing body. Also on tonight’s menu was a baby smoothie of blended berries- a blue/raspberry combo which might taste a little tart, but he seemed to enjoy the flavour!

I’m trying to get the timing right as the past 2 nights we’ve been eating a little while after his last bottle, but he seems to be getting too tired by the end of the ‘meal’ to enjoy it… I think I’ll start working on food in the middle of the day- maybe after he wakes from a nap before he’s hungry for milk, and see if that makes any difference.

For anyone interested, these are the books I’m delighted by when it comes to baby feeding: (although for now I have to skip the  “breast is best” chapters or I end up with a furrowed brow)
- Feeding the Whole Family, by Cynthia Lair
- Real Food for Mother and Baby, by Nina Planck

Okay, Finn feel asleep at 8:00pm, and I’ve had the luxury of writing this post in one sitting- a rare treat. But I suppose I’ll head to bed now that my guts are spilled for the night.

Ciao!