Love for sale.

By doriluthy, January 1, 2010 3:13 am

Dear Readers, Happy New Year! The sounds of cars honking, people yelling and fireworks exploding have all subsided, an hour or so past the excitement of the New Year- Oh those sounds that remind me how fun the city can be, and how all of a sudden several thousands of people can feel connected and cheerful all together in the spirit of an annual occasion of a year ending, a new year beginning… it’s just amazing, isn’t it? I had almost forgot to look at the clock, but then I didn’t need to! Finn and I were happily lying here on the couch, him finishing his last meal for the night before he settles into his long sleep (fingers crossed it stays like this! 5 hours last night!!), when the din of excitement from outside erupted, surprising both of us. I had the biggest grin on my face listening to the sounds of cheer, and began to tell Finn all about 2010- how many more “firsts” he would be experiencing, and the list was VERY long, and I’m sure barely touched the surface of what life for a newborn actually entails. I wish, just for a moment, I could see from his eyes, or be inside his head- what is it like? Is there a reason we don’t have the memories of those earliest days? Hmmm…

A little pic of Finn on his playmat, having a good time! The smiles are the best part of my day, and he’s been VERY generous with them since he figured out how to use his cheeks and eyebrows for good. Not An Elf:

Happy Finn!

And in honour of our new-found rockstar partying lifestyle, Dustin fell asleep at 10:30, completely missing the New Year festivities (a burp and a little spitup)! So to share tonight’s big fun, minus the champagne, here’s photos of our evening entertainment- bathing the kiddo! Oh, I was so blessed to get a super slick Nikon D70 camera in the last couple weeks, and Dustin has also fallen in love with it- he is giving new meaning to “PAPA-razzi”- I have about 40 pics from the bathtime tonight! Isn’t he gorgeous?? Such a delight, this child.

baby bathtime!


Update: So we have developed a small routine the past few nights, off to sleep the Finn goes around 12:30 or so… and I grab the next hour of quiet for myself, to write emails, have a glass of wine, and regain a sense of me, somehow, in the dark of middle of the night. No kidding, it’s been a hard go at the breastfeeding. And it is a great relief to have this time to step away from the baby/boobie/3 foot bubble that has become my life over the past few weeks. (EVEN if it means sacrificing a little bit of sleep).  How’s the breastfeeding going? I’m sure you’re itching to know! Well, Finn’s getting what he can from me, and the rest is now supplemented with formula- it’s probably 1/3 from me, the rest coming from the bottle… oh jeez, I have had so much guilt and pain about admitting this out loud to myself and the world. Oh dear Finn, he is growing well, tipping the scales now at 10lbs 2oz, and now 24″ long.

But my tremendous desire to exclusively breastfeed has been given over to a physical inability and the need to feed my baby with whatever will help him grow and become the super-star he is destined to be. I was telling Dustin tonight that it’s perfectly easy to intellectualize the whole thing- of COURSE Finn needs whatever nutrition from whichever source can feed him the best, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not incredibly sad about the whole thing. And angry, and frustrated that I’ll never understand why this didn’t work for us. And how much I LOVE breastfeeding when it is going well (well enough, rather). And I’m so worried that if we have more children the same problems will come again. Will I ever experience the joys of exclusive breastfeeding? I never even considered that it would be any other way.

Anyway, I am trying hard to believe in the Balance that the bottle/formula has helped provide. He is sleeping longer and he is happy and he is gorgeous. And I’m getting more sleep (sans late night reflections), and Dustin now gets to help feed him, and it takes a less time for feedings (nursing vs bottle), making more time for playing… see? it should be so easy to believe that this is a good thing for everyone… and yet…

Well, I should take myself to bed. Should. But how sweet this tired feeling is, how nice it is to sit here silently thinking and writing through the day. Life has changed so dramatically since Finn’s arrival, I can’t imagine how it will ever tip back in the other direction towards the old way of living, the old way of working, the old way. And I wonder if I ever want it to? Finn’s arrival really mixed up the rubix cube of my life, and and with all things now I have to flip, turn, twist and peer closely at everything with consideration to try to find the right match for this ‘new me’. Seems good to welcome in the new year with the hope that I can find my balance…

In the mean time, I’m heading off for my first sleep in 2010.

I raise my glass to adventures ahead in 2010- with new love, old love and the chance to grow deeper in love.


2 Responses to “Love for sale.”

  1. Alissa says:

    Do you need more help rationalizing why feeding formula is a perfectly fine if not a great thing? I am good at rationalizing. :-)

    If it’s the future that worries you… millions of babies—including rock stars and mathematical geniuses—have grown up with formula and turned out fine.

    If it’s the political significance that bothers you… doesn’t the message “Breast is best” come with an implied asterisk that says “Quality formula is still a valid alternative when needed”?

    If it’s the experience that concerns you…. isn’t great that you can do both—nurse and bottle-feed?

    If it’s disappointment with your body… well, we all experience trade-offs of what our bodies can and cannot do.

    I could probably come up with more if you need ‘em.

  2. Ali says:

    I found your post from AlphaBaby. Finn is absolutely gorgeous. For what it’s worth, you’re not alone. My son is 14 weeks and I discovered at 2 weeks that he simply wasn’t getting enough from me. Cue sobbing. In retrospect, I’m not sure what was more surprising – my inability to exclusively breastfeed, or the extent to which the revelation devastated me. Several weeks later I truly made peace with it and have found perspective. Hang in there.

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