Hi! It’s been a while, eh? Well, after the Olympic activity around here, I started back at my part time volunteer work with the Eastside Culture Crawl- tossed back into the fun of that, which luckily happens mostly on weekends and evenings so that Dustin and I can coordinate child care between us. I’m sure some of you out there are wondering about ‘together time’? We’re making it work, with Finn’s sleep schedule (high fives on an awesome sleeper) seeing him falling asleep around 9pm most nights and sleeping through the night- yes, we’ve found some nice cuddle time in the evenings.
In reality I’m more interested in finding ‘Dori time’ in my life right now. The Crawl work is giving me the chance to interact with my peers again, and I welcome the bit of work that it entails as it connects me to the part of myself that has been identified as Dori for the past few years. Don’t get me wrong- Mothering is as challenging as any job I’ve had, and my day is spent analyzing and questioning, creating and letting go- all in ways that I’ve never been challenged before. As Finn is getting older and more interactive, it requires me to find in myself several traits that have gone dormant in the past few years… silliness being the most obvious to myself- I honk, gurgle, chomp, sing, giggle, clap, jump, dance, squeak, shake- my days are spent learning about the utter humility and abandon necessary to entertain a 4month old. But that aside, the Crawl work is welcome in little bursts separate from mama-land.
The disconcerting side of this ever emerging motherhood is that even as goofy-Mama I am for Finn, and enjoying back to work with the Crawl, the me that has emerged in the rest of my world has become unusually anxious, nervous, and lacking confidence. I feel out of connection with my self, body & mind in ways that I’m not used to, and it seems to be affecting my self-confidence. When I am carrying Finn out in the world I feel like wearing a badge that says I AM MOTHER- I feel like he acts as some kind of proof that I have value here. And then right behind that feeling is the waves of self-consciousness. Oh this body, I don’t recognize. I have spent the past few years working hard to loose weight gain health- and more importantly than that was my journey learning to feel proud of the shape and size that I am. But that self-love seems to have evaporated the past few months since his birth. (p.s. I LOVED my pregnant body!) My breasts still belong to the child (a huge joy is that I am still breastfeeding and pumping a small amount every day), my body is lumpy and chubby from the weight gained during pregnancy, and my knees and ankles have been complaining about that, too. My mind feels like there are holes missing, giant gaps in my ability to speak coherently and effectively (even witty?) in ways that I have been proud of in the past. Oh I constantly worry about Dustin, of something terrible happening to him. What is this anxiety? I worry so much for Finn- am I stimulating him enough? And how I worrying so much about autism and illness and eating disorders and his own sense of self and… how to help him become a healthy happy adult who will love me when he’s all grown up?
Hmmm. Sure have a lot on my mind…
Hey, not to pass on the worrying too much to you, dear reader- although if you’re here to read about my life, guess what- I’m sharing today! And if you haven’t figured it out yet, and this is something I’m learning about myself- I’m pretty resourceful. I’ve got a great counselor and a strong will to regain my health (these two things are new favourites: ediets & beyou.tv). I’m sure, as I’m sure with all things that cause anxiety in life- this too shall pass.
In the mean time, take heart that I’ve got a life with the most amazing 2 dudes in the world. And because I left you waiting long enough, here’s some gratuitous baby smooshy-booshy-wooshy. Just look at the cheeks!
Chicks Dig Me:
Roar!! (what? I can’t even help it!!)
As if there could be anything cuter than this? Yeah, I’m all about this kid. He completely rocks my world. And don’t worry too much about me, just like everyone else, on my way up and down with that path of life… Need a little more endorphins and a little less chocolate (ouch, hate to admit it).