Hello dedicated readers!
Dustin and I returned from South Dakota a couple weeks ago. While there I discovered there are a few of you who are reading my blog, unbeknown to me! It’s fun to know I have a slightly larger (like 3 more!) readership than I originally thought! That makes it like 5 or 6 people who read my blog! Thank you fans!
I had my 29th birthday this past Saturday. It was definitely one of the best birthdays I’ve had in my adult life, and made possible by the loving involvement of my 2 dear friends Erin and Horace. I laughed and laughed all night long, right until the last moment when Horace dropped me off at 7:30 the next morning- after we had partied all night at the Railway, after we drove to the ocean to sit and laugh and throw mysterious beach objects at each other, oh and after watching the sun rise over the city as the morning came- cloudy and pink. Then I went home to sleep now that I am 29.
Oh, wait, 29? Didn’t I pledge something last year on my birthday blog? Oh yeah, I had written with such conviction I would be going off birth control on my 29th birthday, that 29 was long enough to wait! I want KIDS! This has been a very challenging year, 28, and I want to just talk frankly my current feeling around motherhood. Perhaps this will surprise many of you, but I honestly don’t know if I want it or not. My mood towards procreation has changed so drastically from one year ago. That was me then, and whoooooooop, this is me now.
I recall at the company Christmas party just 7 months ago, lamenting to whoever would listen how much I desired to have a baby… And then shortly after that I started to ask myself- Why? REALLY WHY? For years I have felt so much pressure from MANY people to “just get on with it”, “you’re not getting any younger”, as though it is not a choice, but a requirement of womanhood. Married womanhood, especially. And I’ve really begun, for the first time in my life, to question this as a choice. My body, my life, my relationship with my husband… I know that the moment a child comes it is a line drawn in the sand. EVERYTHING changes from that moment on.
The really sad and ironic part about discussing this right now is that the biggest contender for my loins to reproduce has recently passed away. Dustin’s dear grammie Rosie died while we were visiting in South Dakota. It was sad, sudden, and now changes everything in the family. And for me?? Who is going to be calling me every 3-4 weeks to ask if i’m pregnant yet and try to convince me that I should go off birthcontrol? Who will call me to tell me there is a prize if I get pregnant and birth the first great-grandchild? (As of 8+ weeks ago, I lost to Leah! Congrats!! Too bad we’ll never know what the prize was!)
All of this effort came from a woman who valued her family, her husband, children and grandchildren, more than anything else on this planet (except perhaps her Herberger card). To her, family was the reason for living, the joy of everything. And I had been embraced in her arms as part of that family, and she could only dream of me expanding that embrace to children that Dustin and I would someday have. A part of me is so sad that she will never be around to experience what next generations may happen- Leah’s little one growing inside of her. But it doesn’t necessarily make me feel any more inclined to go out and get pregnant… Is there something wrong with me?
I don’t think so. I am feeling these days like there is something really right with me. I am healing, growing, asking, learning. I am demanding, questioning, and resisting. (poor Dustin!)
My mantra is “Confidence. What does it look like, feel like, sound like, act like? Now do that. I am confidence.” I watched the sun rise on my year of 29, and I can already predict that this will be the year of Dori.
Abundance, Grace and Health for 29.