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By doriluthy, March 18, 2010 1:28 am

Hi! It’s been a while, eh? Well, after the Olympic activity around here, I started back at my part time volunteer work with the Eastside Culture Crawl- tossed back into the fun of that, which luckily happens mostly on weekends and evenings so that Dustin and I can coordinate child care between us. I’m sure some of you out there are wondering about ‘together time’? We’re making it work, with Finn’s sleep schedule (high fives on an awesome sleeper) seeing him falling asleep around 9pm most nights and sleeping through the night- yes, we’ve found some nice cuddle time in the evenings.

In reality I’m more interested in finding ‘Dori time’ in my life right now. The Crawl work is giving me the chance to interact with my peers again, and I welcome the bit of work that it entails as it connects me to the part of myself that has been identified as Dori for the past few years. Don’t get me wrong- Mothering is as challenging as any job I’ve had, and my day is spent analyzing and questioning, creating and letting go- all in ways that I’ve never been challenged before. As Finn is getting older and more interactive, it requires me to find in myself several traits that have gone dormant in the past few years… silliness being the most obvious to myself- I honk, gurgle, chomp, sing, giggle, clap, jump, dance, squeak, shake- my days are spent learning about the utter humility and abandon necessary to entertain a 4month old. But that aside, the Crawl work is welcome in little bursts separate from mama-land.

The disconcerting side of this ever emerging motherhood is that even as  goofy-Mama I am for Finn, and enjoying back to work with the Crawl, the me that has emerged in the rest of my world has become unusually anxious, nervous, and lacking confidence. I feel out of connection with my self, body & mind in ways that I’m not used to, and it seems to be affecting my self-confidence. When I am carrying Finn out in the world I feel like wearing a badge that says I AM MOTHER- I feel like he acts as some kind of proof that I have value here. And then right behind that feeling is the waves of self-consciousness. Oh this body, I don’t recognize. I have spent the past few years working hard to loose weight gain health- and more importantly than that was my journey learning to feel proud of the shape and size that I am. But that self-love seems to have evaporated the past few months since his birth. (p.s. I LOVED my pregnant body!) My breasts still belong to the child (a huge joy is that I am still breastfeeding and pumping a small amount every day), my body is lumpy and chubby from the weight gained during pregnancy, and my knees and ankles have been complaining about that, too. My mind feels like there are holes missing, giant gaps in my ability to speak coherently and effectively (even witty?) in ways that I have been proud of in the past. Oh I constantly worry about Dustin, of something terrible happening to him. What is this anxiety? I worry so much for Finn- am I stimulating him enough? And how I worrying so much about autism and illness and eating disorders and his own sense of self and… how to help him become a healthy happy adult who will love me when he’s all grown up?

Hmmm. Sure have a lot on my mind…

Hey, not to pass on the worrying too much to you, dear reader- although if you’re here to read about my life, guess what- I’m sharing today! And if you haven’t figured it out yet, and this is something I’m learning about myself- I’m pretty resourceful. I’ve got a great counselor and a strong will to regain my health (these two things are new favourites: ediets & beyou.tv). I’m sure, as I’m sure with all things that cause anxiety in life- this too shall pass.

In the mean time, take heart that I’ve got a life with the most amazing 2 dudes in the world. And because I left you waiting long enough, here’s some gratuitous baby smooshy-booshy-wooshy. Just look at the cheeks!

Trucker Finn:

Toy time!

Chicks Dig Me:

Roar!! (what? I can’t even help it!!)

As if there could be anything cuter than this? Yeah, I’m all about this kid. He completely rocks my world. And don’t worry too much about me, just like everyone else, on my way up and down with that path of life… Need a little more endorphins and a little less chocolate (ouch, hate to admit it).

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, January 15, 2010 3:06 am

Hey there dear readers… well it’s been, um, a rather challenging week around here. I guess we hit one of those infamous fussy periods- although I can’t be sure who was actually the fussy one- me or Finn? I was at a serious low with sleep deprivation- think the exhaustion and emotions finally caught up with me and just made it very difficult here for a few days. My ability to cope with the kid’s signals (aka crying) were drastically diminished… Oh dear. And Oh well. It’s passed- and I have to acknowledge and send sincere thanks to some truly fabo friends who kept checking in on me and passing on words of wisdom- oh, and the blessing of 2 nights in a row where the little man slept for SEVEN (7!) hours, allowing me to catch up a bit on zzzz’s. I have no illusions to the fact that this sleeping ‘pattern’ may not happen again, it might be a fluke, and to be grateful for any and all hours he sleeps at night, etc. I have heard too many stories of mums thinking that ‘this was it!’ or ‘we’re on to something!’ and then the pattern changes the next day, and then the mama spends countless days trying to recreate the exact circumstances that caused such a preferable behaviour, mired in anxiety and guilt that they’ve all of a sudden done something wrong. Oh dear. I think the truth is that with parenting, one MUST practice detachment- YES FOLKS! It’s attachment parenting with a hint of detachment!

Sage advice from friend M: “… Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that babies are unpredictable creatures and you have to do what you feel is the right thing for you and not compare your baby to a baby in a book or the friend from your prenatal group. And my last word of whatever it is I’m getting at is, when you’re feeling crapped out from the lack of sleep, try not to think about “how long will this last?” Just take it one day at a time, and don’t forget, it won’t last for long (whatever that means)–that’s what my mom always says anyway, I’m trying to believe her.”

WORD.

My darling dude is upstairs in his cot, cooing to himself. It’s about 1:00am here, and he’s still awake- quietly!, but awake. I’m sitting here typing while pumping some magic milk (the 40 min it takes to pump an ounce and half? Oh yeah, a little bit of magic, in deed)… Actually, the rocky snowy mountainous peak of my anxiety came after a pumping session 2 nights ago- I got up, and in my exhausted state I managed to trip over my own feet, and (can you see this coming?) spilled most of the milk all over the floor. I thought I was going to have a complete breakdown, so much work for so little milk, and only to see it go flying out of my hands. A pile of sobbing woman? yeah, that was me, with poor Dustin looking on helplessly- that’s been the story of breastfeeding around here. Thank God for the patience that both son and husband have shown for me during these days. So Dustin put Finn to bed, and I went to sleep.

The crazy thing is that it has been OK around here with the bottle/formula feeding- I seriously thought I had gotten to an OK place with it all- it’s funny what little things can set off the big guns of flaming emotion. Lack of sleep will definitely do it to a person. But we are OK again. The love from dear friends has been so generous and although I am terrible about asking for help, I am learning to open myself to the care from others. It turns out that Motherhood is no time to be proud- I’ve been thrown into a completely new job, with a new boss, and no prior experience, relying on the teachings provided by intuition and the motivation of unconditional love, of course I need support from other people! This is just one more beautiful lesson I’m learning because of Finn in my life…

So to dramatically change the subject: Last week I went to my talented friend Wendy’s studio to do a photo shoot with Finn- OH MY! It was great to chill with a sista, and the pics turned out SO GOOD! And are you local to Vancouver? I HIGHLY recommend Wendy for your photo needs- she’s amazing, and oh so good with the kiddo, so patient and fun!  So here’s a few for your viewing pleasure- yes, he’s getting chubbier! Every day!

Oooooooooo:

My head almost exploded in glee when I saw this last one- “Are you seriously talkin to me?”

Dustin paid me the best compliment tonight, “Dori, you smell like a baby”… sigh… If only I could bottle this smell and keep it forever. The truth is that I get so terribly excited, even now at 2:00am, thinking that there is a warm yummy sleeping baby upstairs, and he is all mine- My son! Can’t wait till tomorrow- now it’s time for sleep!

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, January 9, 2010 1:38 am

Oh here’s one movie I HAVE to see. I’ve watched this trailer a few times- can’t help it! The opening and closing scenes just make me LAUGH!

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By doriluthy, January 1, 2010 3:13 am

Dear Readers, Happy New Year! The sounds of cars honking, people yelling and fireworks exploding have all subsided, an hour or so past the excitement of the New Year- Oh those sounds that remind me how fun the city can be, and how all of a sudden several thousands of people can feel connected and cheerful all together in the spirit of an annual occasion of a year ending, a new year beginning… it’s just amazing, isn’t it? I had almost forgot to look at the clock, but then I didn’t need to! Finn and I were happily lying here on the couch, him finishing his last meal for the night before he settles into his long sleep (fingers crossed it stays like this! 5 hours last night!!), when the din of excitement from outside erupted, surprising both of us. I had the biggest grin on my face listening to the sounds of cheer, and began to tell Finn all about 2010- how many more “firsts” he would be experiencing, and the list was VERY long, and I’m sure barely touched the surface of what life for a newborn actually entails. I wish, just for a moment, I could see from his eyes, or be inside his head- what is it like? Is there a reason we don’t have the memories of those earliest days? Hmmm…

A little pic of Finn on his playmat, having a good time! The smiles are the best part of my day, and he’s been VERY generous with them since he figured out how to use his cheeks and eyebrows for good. Not An Elf:

And in honour of our new-found rockstar partying lifestyle, Dustin fell asleep at 10:30, completely missing the New Year festivities (a burp and a little spitup)! So to share tonight’s big fun, minus the champagne, here’s photos of our evening entertainment- bathing the kiddo! Oh, I was so blessed to get a super slick Nikon D70 camera in the last couple weeks, and Dustin has also fallen in love with it- he is giving new meaning to “PAPA-razzi”- I have about 40 pics from the bathtime tonight! Isn’t he gorgeous?? Such a delight, this child.

Update: So we have developed a small routine the past few nights, off to sleep the Finn goes around 12:30 or so… and I grab the next hour of quiet for myself, to write emails, have a glass of wine, and regain a sense of me, somehow, in the dark of middle of the night. No kidding, it’s been a hard go at the breastfeeding. And it is a great relief to have this time to step away from the baby/boobie/3 foot bubble that has become my life over the past few weeks. (EVEN if it means sacrificing a little bit of sleep).  How’s the breastfeeding going? I’m sure you’re itching to know! Well, Finn’s getting what he can from me, and the rest is now supplemented with formula- it’s probably 1/3 from me, the rest coming from the bottle… oh jeez, I have had so much guilt and pain about admitting this out loud to myself and the world. Oh dear Finn, he is growing well, tipping the scales now at 10lbs 2oz, and now 24″ long.

But my tremendous desire to exclusively breastfeed has been given over to a physical inability and the need to feed my baby with whatever will help him grow and become the super-star he is destined to be. I was telling Dustin tonight that it’s perfectly easy to intellectualize the whole thing- of COURSE Finn needs whatever nutrition from whichever source can feed him the best, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not incredibly sad about the whole thing. And angry, and frustrated that I’ll never understand why this didn’t work for us. And how much I LOVE breastfeeding when it is going well (well enough, rather). And I’m so worried that if we have more children the same problems will come again. Will I ever experience the joys of exclusive breastfeeding? I never even considered that it would be any other way.

Anyway, I am trying hard to believe in the Balance that the bottle/formula has helped provide. He is sleeping longer and he is happy and he is gorgeous. And I’m getting more sleep (sans late night reflections), and Dustin now gets to help feed him, and it takes a less time for feedings (nursing vs bottle), making more time for playing… see? it should be so easy to believe that this is a good thing for everyone… and yet…

Well, I should take myself to bed. Should. But how sweet this tired feeling is, how nice it is to sit here silently thinking and writing through the day. Life has changed so dramatically since Finn’s arrival, I can’t imagine how it will ever tip back in the other direction towards the old way of living, the old way of working, the old way. And I wonder if I ever want it to? Finn’s arrival really mixed up the rubix cube of my life, and and with all things now I have to flip, turn, twist and peer closely at everything with consideration to try to find the right match for this ‘new me’. Seems good to welcome in the new year with the hope that I can find my balance…

In the mean time, I’m heading off for my first sleep in 2010.

I raise my glass to adventures ahead in 2010- with new love, old love and the chance to grow deeper in love.

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, November 16, 2009 6:06 pm

Oh dear, where does the time go? It’s 5:30am here, and I’m practicing my one-handed typing, with a babe having breakfast (only one item on this menu) in my arms… So much to comment on, this new experience of motherhood, and yet the days really blur into one another at this point of sleep deprivation, feedings and diapers…

Let’s start with the bambino update- Finn is now two weeks old as of yesterday! His long legs are stretching out further, fitting clothes too big for him a week ago! I swear I look away for a minute and he’s grown bigger, his little cheeks starting to plump, and hands grabbing stronger… he’s pretty magical, this little Peanut, and it blows my mind how something so wee can possess such power. He’s starting to make eye contact during the growing moments of awake time, really getting into the gaze of adoring mama and papa. Oh! His little umbilical cord fell off yesterday, revealing a tiny belly button so cute it has the power to end global unrest (obviously worth an ad campaign, I’ll be submitting photos to the UN later this week)…

And an update from the mama side of the boob- It’s been a challenging couple weeks, this whole breastfeeding gig has been much more difficult (exhausting, trying, emotional, physical…) than I would have ever guessed- a sentiment shared by pretty much every mama I talk to, although something not widely shared with the rest of world. From my experience, and talking to other mums, it’s this private struggle that we feel somehow reflects on our abilities to be a ‘good’ mother and when it doesn’t come easy (which I have never heard from any woman that it was ‘easy’) that it creates incredible feelings of inadequacy… For me? Oh for sure- I’m struggling with a low milk supply, and after 2 weeks I’m supplimenting about a quarter of Finn’s food supply with donated breast milk from the Milk Bank (yes, how cool is that?). And after such a positive, healthy pregnancy and birth I was completely under-prepared for breastfeeding to be so hard- and when the books or friends casually mention that it can take up to 6 weeks to get the hang of it… 6 weeks? What the heck does that mean? And 6 weeks compounded with severe sleep shortage, and the crashing of hormones, and extreme worry that your baby isn’t getting enough- and holding in your arms at the centre of all that anxiety is this golden orb of a child that you love with every ounce of your being- it’s like being pulled apart in 2 directions.

But all that being said, today is a new day. Things are gradually shifting into a stage where reality is taking hold, and holy CRAP I’m so very in love with this new little boy! Which makes adapting to the fresh pattern of life unfolding before me a bit easier to swallow… And officially, this may be the most difficult thing I’ve ever taken on. Change, awe, and the surreal- all accompanied by the unknown and unsure steps of NOW RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON’S LIFE.

Well, anyway, did I mention his dimples? And he has the cutest little tiny tush that I have ever seen. Time to go snuggle with the Finnster.

***

This post has taken me 3 days to write! Oh well… I’m proud to say I managed to get a shower in today (also the first in 3 days!), now I’m gonna go try to catch some zzzz’s before the wee one wakes.