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By doriluthy, November 12, 2012 5:34 pm

Here I sit at my computer, this cold rainy autumn day, looking over my computer and out the window to the empty schoolhouse across the street. A holiday Monday means the windows are dark and the kids are away. I guess that means less distraction for me? Armed with a cup of tea, a bit of dark chocolate, and wooly socks, all these keeping me warm in the ways that they do. This is a long time coming reunion, my computer and I, waiting to get together in just the right moment. Both babes are sleeping. Nothing else pressing. My own desire for writing is the most urgent matter.

Has it really been since July that I’ve been here, writing, thinking, dreaming in this little space that is all mine? I wonder how you all lasted so long, so patiently waiting for my return? Thank you dear readers, knowing that it would eventually happen.

What has happened? In months of waiting for time to write about life, so many things have passed by my eyes… two milestones worth noting!

On a warm August day, darling Beckley launched herself head first into life as a one year old. She is so very sassy, loud, and confident. Her birthday was perfection, a magical garden party with a great number of friends. Piles of food, a vibrant garden backdrop, the chocolate cake mama makes, bunting, crafts, quilts, and sunshine. My heart was singing at the beauty of it all, so perfect for that darling babe. She signs and speaks many words, runs, climbs, sings, loves babies, trucks, music and dirt. And she is still ever the snuggle-bug, thank goodness.

Halloween night, Finn became 3 years old. A charming moment I hope to never forget; we sang the birthday song, he blew out his candles, and I could see the look of realization on his face- he turned around and with arms gesturing wildly, he declared to everyone there “I am 3! I am 3 years old!”.  That honest, intent, heartfelt wee boy, has now turned 3. Curious, dinosaur crazy, he loves outdoors, indoors, cooking, playing. His fav games are hockey and palaeontologist (bury tiny dinosaurs in playdoh, unearth, discuss). He is also a tip-top-snuggle-bug.

…

Well for months now it’s been a jumble of the big stuff, met with the small stuff, and through all of that I have been trying, oh trying!, to find little bits of time for myself. But as I sit here, feeling so utterly content at this moment of writing, I am thinking how very important it is to start making more time for me.

Me? Dori. Remember her?

Well, it’s tricky, isn’t it? So many of my current passions have to do with my children- home-learning, cooking, crafting, activity planning, reading… Not that there is anything ‘wrong’ with this all-encompassing life-activity called Motherhooooood. There really is no way to separate something called “Me” from “Mama”. I am all, I am entirely whole in these life endeavors. I have no other desire than to be Finn and Beckley’s mama.  BUT, I do have some of those pre-mama roles I played that are calling for attention. I definitely have the pre-mama body that wants to move in ways that carrying children doesn’t allow for. I have an ever-growing internal call to be of service, seeking activities that extend beyond my household. So what about all of this? I guess it means it takes a little time and closer listening to find out what I need for self. Making time to lean down, hushed and patient, and give space to the voice inside that asks for care and attention, for peace and quiet, for passionate heartfelt movements of growth and development. Well, here I am. Free in this moment to do nothing but listen. Listen…

Creative work, making/holding/shaping
Smiles, laughter
Caring for another, holding space, deepening relationships
Witnessing, celebrating
Nature-made, nature’s gift
Light and Dark

Wow, that’s good stuff. Sounds just right, since I have been moving towards 2 things in life that help to holistically enrich DORI. 1) More time in the studio! Touching clay, drawing, playing, and SIGHING very loudly. All feels good. And 2) I have registered for a Doula training course in January! I am delighted, excited and ready. Having had the absolute honour of attending a friend’s birth a couple weeks ago (26 hours of support), I can’t express how right this feels.

Mama-Artist-Doula. One act engages my multitude of skills and passions, bringing me forward in service and care to those I love so dear, entire body and heart, patience ruling all.  Another act calls me to focus internally and find creative power within, making with my hands, with patience, self-reflective, self-serving. The other calls me to focus externally and support the physical and creative power of another, holding space with my energy, standing back and standing strong, with patience, serving others.

Cool. I like all of that.

And that’s about all I have time for! What a gift that those darling babes have slept through all of this processing and writing. And thanks for hanging on, dear readers. I hope to be more active here again, taking the opportunity to entertain you, and refresh my spirit!

What is YOUR calling?

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, March 15, 2012 12:49 am

We’re away from home for a week, off on a little winter holiday. This is our first as a family of four. It has been pretty glorious- the snow is falling, the food is delicious, the company is fantastic, and I really am feeling so blessed to be living ‘the good life’ out here on the side of a mountain for a whole week. We are all getting lots of goodness this week:

Beckley is contentedly sleeping in a suitcase at night (for the first time she’s not in our bed), she practicing her crawling stance, shrieking voice, and insisting on trying more solid food every day.

Finn is learning to ski with great help (thanks Yvonne!), asking to ice skate every day, and seems to really truly love the snow. And the hot tub? Yes please.

Dustin is getting his fill of fresh powder, card games, and long discussions about hockey and programming.

Me? I am just soaking it all in, joyful to see my family so happy in this lovely cabin in the woods. I’ve done a little skiing, knitting some tiny things for the baby, taking pleasure in helping to feed this group, and admiring the beauty of our surroundings.

I’m thinking about the memories this trip is making for us: Beckley’s first family holiday; this perfect little cabin in the woods that makes me want to come back here every year (or just live here!); the dear friends we are enjoying this trip with, and the memories our combined families are making together… All of these things will be part of the stories and memories we will recall as the kids grow older. Just thinking about it brings such pangs of wistfulness- oh, I want to hold my babies so close and just pause time for a while. Just a little while, enough to breath their scents, study their hands (baby chubby fingers grow into toddlers WAY to fast), snuggle them into my arms, and not have to do anything else but HOLD them. And even though it is an absolute joy to witness life through the beautiful eyes of a child, I am getting older every day and watching them do the same. Of course this journey of parenting is to help get these little people to the other side of childhood in a healthy happy way, but I can say with absolute certainty that I miss this already. I miss them.

Both babes are upstairs sleeping in their respective make-shift beds, and I am down here by the fire feeling the size of my heart swell in this longing to hold them closer. Maybe this is the desire for a shared family bed- it’s been hard having Beckley sleeping away from me. Night time sleeping is a perfect time to hold the kids close, breath and dream next to them while they are still and perfect and the darkness exposes all of our vulnerability and loveliness. The universe has tucked us into bed together as a family… Oh what a gift, I love them so much.

May we all find this kind of love in our lives…

Ok, I’m off to bed in this winter get away, to get a night of sleep and to be met by an early morning wake up with a sweet sweet baby girl.

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, February 20, 2012 12:24 am

Darling Beckley is going to be 6 months old in 3 days! The time is flying by so very fast, and she is doing exactly what little babies are supposed to be doing at her age- growing like a weed and generating more love that any of us thought possible. It is a true miracle, this project of growing a life, birthing, then watching the little person grow into a little human being. I just can’t get over the speed at which it is all happening. I want to swallow up these moments into my mind/body/soul and hold them forever- her scent, her giggles, her jabber-yabber, the way she laughs at her brother, how peacefully she sleeps, her soft soft skin…

I was cleaning up today and found a little poem I wrote when I was a couple weeks away from meeting Beckley. I remember sitting and writing it, so very aware of that giant creaking force that mega-pregnancy brings, and I had the sense that any moment the whole universe was going to fold up into a little paper cup and pour out a new life into my hands, and I knew that would happen with the greatest of ease (it did, birth story coming soon, promise!). Here’s my little poem:

~~~
Spinning

Centrifugal force, commanding
That invisible and felt pull,
Working with, within and without
An intention of stability.
A pull that is, responding and reacting.
Today as the body waits, oh so patiently,
For another to emerge from the warm held place
That only the mother’s birthing body can ever know.

Do you feel the spinning, pulling force
As you grow, child?
Do you hear my sighs and signs as
Hips and back and you shift,
Every day opening my body further
To the day that we would Meet…

I wait. I spin and wait.
~~~

Beckley and I, out in the rain on the weekend:

Ciao, dear reader.

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By doriluthy, October 4, 2011 12:27 am

I’m basking in a state of peace and quiet around here at this late hour. Both babes are sleeping, hubby is off at his late night hockey game, and in a gesture of Autumnal celebration I’ve decided to resist the call of sleep momentarily and have started a new knitting project (here) for a tiny baby that has just arrived into the arms of a dear friend. Yup, the only thing missing is a little chocolate.

I love knitting late in the evening after the house has been cleaned and the kids are in bed. It allows for such lovely quiet reflective moments for the soul. And with the coolness of Autumn arriving at the door, even more it sets the stage for pulling thoughts inward and getting into a meditative rhythm of yarn slipping through fingers, the quiet tap-tapping of needles, as the mind wanders around freely.

Tonight my mind is full of thoughts of the 2 beautiful little people sleeping upstairs, how blessed I am to know them in my life. I’m just so IN LOVE, in a way that grows deeper every day. Great roots are taking further hold in my life, as I feel my calling in this world declaring itself to me, M0therhood, revealing itself powerful and creative, even more day by day. And all through the glorious laughter and overwhelming moments of challenge and frustrations, with some moments when we’re all crying and some when we’re all laughing- oh yes, I love this job. The birth of Beckley and her soft folding into the family has brought me to another level of motherhood that, without even realizing, I had been waiting for- REALLY waiting for. Certainly the complexity of our days has risen, and my hands feel in near-constant motion, but it all feels so right to have become a whirling mama of diapering and feeding of little people. With no conscious effort my heart has grown in its capacity to love a whole other little person, and this love comes with such ferocity and gentleness that I can say at 6 weeks old- ‘I can’t imagine life without her’.

The other unexpected side of now parenting 2 kids is seeing my husband in a slightly new light. There has been a subtle and delightful shift in our own appreciation and support for one another- a process of quietly letting go of old expectations that might have been pushing us apart, and tightening the hold on those things that draw us closer together. I’m delighted to see him finding his rhythm in fatherhood, a calling he seems so naturally inclined towards and committed to. After over a dozen years together, it really is awesome to find ourselves wandering hand in hand in this journey of Family- something about it seems so familiar, even in it’s relative newness.

Finn’s adjusting to being an older brother, in his own way. His curiosity about Beckley is growing, as well as his tolerance of her being in my lap so often in the day. When he finds her sitting in the little bouncy chair, he is soft and gentle (mostly) in his exploration of her little face and hands. He wants to hold her and pat her. And unless he is tired or hungry himself (triggers for any of us!), it seems that she is becoming acceptable and accepted in his world… he’s having to learn a great deal about gentleness, and what a beautiful little person to learn with!

And what to say of dear Beckley? She is mellow, charming, and quite smiley for someone so little… she is starting to uncurl and really seeing this last week a growth of personality- she’s beginning to assert her little independent sounds into the family, letting us know her preferences (being held!) and her little routines. She coos with this contented little sighing sound, it just charms my heart. She is growing so well, it makes this mama very happy to see the pudgy little legs and arms swinging around in that newborn way.

Okay, bed is calling now. Glad to have gotten a few thoughts down about these fleeting days of two little ones. I can feel that I already miss this time… as it floats by so quickly. A parting sweetness for the season, picked up from a favourite place to visit:

In the deep fall
don’t you imagine the leaves think how
comfortable it will be to touch
the earth instead of the
nothingness of air and the endless
freshets of wind?

~ Mary Oliver, excerpt from Song for Autumn
in New and Selected Poems, Volume Two

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By doriluthy, September 2, 2011 11:11 pm

Beckley Rose Harrison joined our family on Monday, Aug 22nd (her due date!) at 3:26am, after an extremely peaceful and laughter filled home/water birth (more about the birth later…). She came out chubby cheeked and healthy at 8lbs 10oz, 21.5 inches long. She’s a little darling, quiet and peeking around at the world more as each day passes. She seems to know her brother’s noises as well as any of us, having heard him for the past few months ‘on the inside’…

And other than his sometimes hard to contain excitement, Finn seems to be taking to Beckley pretty well so far- declaring her “MINE!” when introducing her. And we’re working on his shrieks of excitement in the vicinity of newborn ears.

The transition to a family of 4 is going slow, and this mama is particularly challenged by the change- mostly due to lack of sleep and the ongoing and immediate needs of a newborn mixed with the loud demands and actions of a nearly-two year old… It will pass soon enough as we all get into a rhythm, and we’re all coping well enough for the time being. Luckily the papa is home these days to wrangle the energy of little Finn, so mama can immerse herself in the glow of the newborn energy as much as possible. These days are so fleeting, I just want to hold her as close as possible and breath in the stillness of newborn. I am staying close to home and close to bed, trying to take each day as slow as possible. Or at least as slow as the toddler allows it to be!

I’m going back to bed now, to breath in Beckley’s little dreaming sighs.