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By doriluthy, November 12, 2012 5:34 pm

Here I sit at my computer, this cold rainy autumn day, looking over my computer and out the window to the empty schoolhouse across the street. A holiday Monday means the windows are dark and the kids are away. I guess that means less distraction for me? Armed with a cup of tea, a bit of dark chocolate, and wooly socks, all these keeping me warm in the ways that they do. This is a long time coming reunion, my computer and I, waiting to get together in just the right moment. Both babes are sleeping. Nothing else pressing. My own desire for writing is the most urgent matter.

Has it really been since July that I’ve been here, writing, thinking, dreaming in this little space that is all mine? I wonder how you all lasted so long, so patiently waiting for my return? Thank you dear readers, knowing that it would eventually happen.

What has happened? In months of waiting for time to write about life, so many things have passed by my eyes… two milestones worth noting!

On a warm August day, darling Beckley launched herself head first into life as a one year old. She is so very sassy, loud, and confident. Her birthday was perfection, a magical garden party with a great number of friends. Piles of food, a vibrant garden backdrop, the chocolate cake mama makes, bunting, crafts, quilts, and sunshine. My heart was singing at the beauty of it all, so perfect for that darling babe. She signs and speaks many words, runs, climbs, sings, loves babies, trucks, music and dirt. And she is still ever the snuggle-bug, thank goodness.

Halloween night, Finn became 3 years old. A charming moment I hope to never forget; we sang the birthday song, he blew out his candles, and I could see the look of realization on his face- he turned around and with arms gesturing wildly, he declared to everyone there “I am 3! I am 3 years old!”.  That honest, intent, heartfelt wee boy, has now turned 3. Curious, dinosaur crazy, he loves outdoors, indoors, cooking, playing. His fav games are hockey and palaeontologist (bury tiny dinosaurs in playdoh, unearth, discuss). He is also a tip-top-snuggle-bug.

…

Well for months now it’s been a jumble of the big stuff, met with the small stuff, and through all of that I have been trying, oh trying!, to find little bits of time for myself. But as I sit here, feeling so utterly content at this moment of writing, I am thinking how very important it is to start making more time for me.

Me? Dori. Remember her?

Well, it’s tricky, isn’t it? So many of my current passions have to do with my children- home-learning, cooking, crafting, activity planning, reading… Not that there is anything ‘wrong’ with this all-encompassing life-activity called Motherhooooood. There really is no way to separate something called “Me” from “Mama”. I am all, I am entirely whole in these life endeavors. I have no other desire than to be Finn and Beckley’s mama.  BUT, I do have some of those pre-mama roles I played that are calling for attention. I definitely have the pre-mama body that wants to move in ways that carrying children doesn’t allow for. I have an ever-growing internal call to be of service, seeking activities that extend beyond my household. So what about all of this? I guess it means it takes a little time and closer listening to find out what I need for self. Making time to lean down, hushed and patient, and give space to the voice inside that asks for care and attention, for peace and quiet, for passionate heartfelt movements of growth and development. Well, here I am. Free in this moment to do nothing but listen. Listen…

Creative work, making/holding/shaping
Smiles, laughter
Caring for another, holding space, deepening relationships
Witnessing, celebrating
Nature-made, nature’s gift
Light and Dark

Wow, that’s good stuff. Sounds just right, since I have been moving towards 2 things in life that help to holistically enrich DORI. 1) More time in the studio! Touching clay, drawing, playing, and SIGHING very loudly. All feels good. And 2) I have registered for a Doula training course in January! I am delighted, excited and ready. Having had the absolute honour of attending a friend’s birth a couple weeks ago (26 hours of support), I can’t express how right this feels.

Mama-Artist-Doula. One act engages my multitude of skills and passions, bringing me forward in service and care to those I love so dear, entire body and heart, patience ruling all.  Another act calls me to focus internally and find creative power within, making with my hands, with patience, self-reflective, self-serving. The other calls me to focus externally and support the physical and creative power of another, holding space with my energy, standing back and standing strong, with patience, serving others.

Cool. I like all of that.

And that’s about all I have time for! What a gift that those darling babes have slept through all of this processing and writing. And thanks for hanging on, dear readers. I hope to be more active here again, taking the opportunity to entertain you, and refresh my spirit!

What is YOUR calling?

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, December 16, 2011 5:36 pm

The wooden train tracks are found in every nook and cranny at the end of the day… the giant bag of hubby’s hockey gear spills its guts into our small space… art projects lay around wondering where they belong in the chaos… crayons, felt food, real food, books and hot wheels all vie for space under the edge of our sofa… a snowboard propped in our dining room (is it really a room? maybe just a space)…

All signs of well lived days, but the small space (700 sq feet!) we live in has lately been giving this mama cause to dream dream dream of an extra few square feet of living. Or maybe a few hundred more sq feet! After our trip back to the prairies, and visiting different family in their big beautiful homes (HI TONYA AND WAYNE!), I must admit a little envy for the affordable BIG spaces available out there, given a different postal code!

Alas, we live in an expensive coastal city and have limited resources in the scope of real estate in this place… SO I must take refuge that I have a gorgeous big old house waiting for me in… dream land! In my little bits of quiet free time, I have been cutting pictures out of magazines and browsing the internet for images of the perfect: 1) a big bright bed, king size of course, with room for everyone! 2) a glowing and warm fire place (wood or gas, I’m not picky!) 3) a bright beautiful dining room as a place to spread out with some of the fun things that fill our days…

In the mean time I catch myself and try to remember to slow down and enjoy the many small moments of living that make this small house very warm- like our little ritual of tea/hot cocoa after nap time, as Finn has been waking from his nap after the sun has already set. As we sit at the table, I can’t help but stare at this growing boy, just delighting in his funniness and these times we have together… that sister is growing fast and our “time for 2″ will be soon “time for 3″. I love to watch as he sips his hot cocoa, sets down the cup, and gives me a happy little sigh, shudder and smile. Now see? He could care less about the square footage of our place, or the style of our sofa… he seems to be pretty happy with things the way they are. Good lesson to be learned from the kid, hey?

But won’t stop me from dreaming!

Here’s my guy, spending his own time dreaming- loading the coal into the fire box of the steam train, he’s the engineer, of course! You can’t see the wooden spoon (shovel) and slipper on his hand (glove), but he’s got his goggles and hat that make it official. He kept yelling out “HOT! HOT!” as he pretended to scoop coal into the washing machine. This kid cracks me up!

Ciao!

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By doriluthy, November 25, 2011 6:17 pm

I’ve been back for a week from a trip to my ‘homeland’, the beautiful and flat eastern South Dakota. I took both kids (no hubby, boo) and headed off to celebrate a wedding that has been waiting to happen for quite a while. We immersed ourselves in the love of good folks for almost 2 weeks and then sadly said farewell to that place that I once knew so dear… Trying to remember how to get around in the city where I learned to drive; reliving moments through old photographs and memories shared over mealtimes; childhood friends telling forgotten stories and reminding me of teenage exploits; and dear family who (as always) gives so freely with their love. It was hard to leave that kind of deep caring that seems to be so easily expressed between those with long histories together. Family, old friends, you know… If only they all lived in Vancouver!

We’re back on the West Coast again and between a sick little boy, early sunset (4:30pm?!), a twinge of homesickness, and a cold rainy city, I’m looking around my life and trying to keep lit the warm fires of gratitude and compassion. Thanksgiving was yesterday, (and we ate mounds of turkey and celebrated with some other expat friends in our neighborhood!), so I thought I’d pass on some of the Thanks I am feeling these days.

Thankful for the fullness and busyness of life that is shared with my best friend and our 2 darling children.

Thankful that I can take the opportunity to travel to see my big brother marry his best friend, all dressed up in handsome tux and gorgeous dress- a beautiful wedding!

Thankful for another giant batch of granola (tweaking the recipe once again) to sweeten the smells of the house and fill the bellies of my family- it always sets the stage for simple goodness. Mix Mix Bake Eat.

Thankful for beautiful friends who give so generously and share their sweet gifts with my little family. (Like the little ‘knock knock’ on the door JUST NOW from my neighbor’s 5 year old boy asking “do you want some turkey soup my mom made?”. Um, YES PLEASE!)

Thankful for spontaneous walks in the hood with my 2 year old, tossing handful of fallen leaves, investigating pine cones, and spotting a bald eagle perched on the old church steeple- another reminder of simple joys.

Thankful for the occasional LONG nap by both kiddos, so mama has a little time to herself!

It can be hard, but I am trying to remember to look for those little reminders of how blessed and rich my life is, and to slow the pace for a few moments and give thanks for what is, whether chaos or peace, laughter or crying, this is all part of the rhythm of our life.

***

And here’s a glimpse of the kiddos:

Finn hard at work.

Finn is a determined 2 year old, full of smiles and laughter. He takes joy in really simple things (don’t most kids?), and his love for hockey has not waned… He loves to colour, eat apples, play with trucks and trains, and really appreciates quiet moments to himself. He’s a great climber, loves the water, and is pretty willing to try lots of new foods (yeah!). And this mama is happy to report that he still loves a good snuggle.

Blame the daddy for this baby-decoration!

Beckley is slowly unfolding into a delightful little girl- now at 3 months old- and full of giggles and smiles. She can be incredibly chatty and friendly when in a social setting, doesn’t mind being passed around but loves her mama and papa the most! I call her my little chatterbox, but she also loves to be curled up with mama on the bed for a long afternoon nap. Her mellow disposition reminds us of her brother, but she’s definitely doing things in her own way, too.

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By doriluthy, October 4, 2011 12:27 am

I’m basking in a state of peace and quiet around here at this late hour. Both babes are sleeping, hubby is off at his late night hockey game, and in a gesture of Autumnal celebration I’ve decided to resist the call of sleep momentarily and have started a new knitting project (here) for a tiny baby that has just arrived into the arms of a dear friend. Yup, the only thing missing is a little chocolate.

I love knitting late in the evening after the house has been cleaned and the kids are in bed. It allows for such lovely quiet reflective moments for the soul. And with the coolness of Autumn arriving at the door, even more it sets the stage for pulling thoughts inward and getting into a meditative rhythm of yarn slipping through fingers, the quiet tap-tapping of needles, as the mind wanders around freely.

Tonight my mind is full of thoughts of the 2 beautiful little people sleeping upstairs, how blessed I am to know them in my life. I’m just so IN LOVE, in a way that grows deeper every day. Great roots are taking further hold in my life, as I feel my calling in this world declaring itself to me, M0therhood, revealing itself powerful and creative, even more day by day. And all through the glorious laughter and overwhelming moments of challenge and frustrations, with some moments when we’re all crying and some when we’re all laughing- oh yes, I love this job. The birth of Beckley and her soft folding into the family has brought me to another level of motherhood that, without even realizing, I had been waiting for- REALLY waiting for. Certainly the complexity of our days has risen, and my hands feel in near-constant motion, but it all feels so right to have become a whirling mama of diapering and feeding of little people. With no conscious effort my heart has grown in its capacity to love a whole other little person, and this love comes with such ferocity and gentleness that I can say at 6 weeks old- ‘I can’t imagine life without her’.

The other unexpected side of now parenting 2 kids is seeing my husband in a slightly new light. There has been a subtle and delightful shift in our own appreciation and support for one another- a process of quietly letting go of old expectations that might have been pushing us apart, and tightening the hold on those things that draw us closer together. I’m delighted to see him finding his rhythm in fatherhood, a calling he seems so naturally inclined towards and committed to. After over a dozen years together, it really is awesome to find ourselves wandering hand in hand in this journey of Family- something about it seems so familiar, even in it’s relative newness.

Finn’s adjusting to being an older brother, in his own way. His curiosity about Beckley is growing, as well as his tolerance of her being in my lap so often in the day. When he finds her sitting in the little bouncy chair, he is soft and gentle (mostly) in his exploration of her little face and hands. He wants to hold her and pat her. And unless he is tired or hungry himself (triggers for any of us!), it seems that she is becoming acceptable and accepted in his world… he’s having to learn a great deal about gentleness, and what a beautiful little person to learn with!

And what to say of dear Beckley? She is mellow, charming, and quite smiley for someone so little… she is starting to uncurl and really seeing this last week a growth of personality- she’s beginning to assert her little independent sounds into the family, letting us know her preferences (being held!) and her little routines. She coos with this contented little sighing sound, it just charms my heart. She is growing so well, it makes this mama very happy to see the pudgy little legs and arms swinging around in that newborn way.

Okay, bed is calling now. Glad to have gotten a few thoughts down about these fleeting days of two little ones. I can feel that I already miss this time… as it floats by so quickly. A parting sweetness for the season, picked up from a favourite place to visit:

In the deep fall
don’t you imagine the leaves think how
comfortable it will be to touch
the earth instead of the
nothingness of air and the endless
freshets of wind?

~ Mary Oliver, excerpt from Song for Autumn
in New and Selected Poems, Volume Two

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By doriluthy, September 2, 2011 11:11 pm

Beckley Rose Harrison joined our family on Monday, Aug 22nd (her due date!) at 3:26am, after an extremely peaceful and laughter filled home/water birth (more about the birth later…). She came out chubby cheeked and healthy at 8lbs 10oz, 21.5 inches long. She’s a little darling, quiet and peeking around at the world more as each day passes. She seems to know her brother’s noises as well as any of us, having heard him for the past few months ‘on the inside’…

And other than his sometimes hard to contain excitement, Finn seems to be taking to Beckley pretty well so far- declaring her “MINE!” when introducing her. And we’re working on his shrieks of excitement in the vicinity of newborn ears.

The transition to a family of 4 is going slow, and this mama is particularly challenged by the change- mostly due to lack of sleep and the ongoing and immediate needs of a newborn mixed with the loud demands and actions of a nearly-two year old… It will pass soon enough as we all get into a rhythm, and we’re all coping well enough for the time being. Luckily the papa is home these days to wrangle the energy of little Finn, so mama can immerse herself in the glow of the newborn energy as much as possible. These days are so fleeting, I just want to hold her as close as possible and breath in the stillness of newborn. I am staying close to home and close to bed, trying to take each day as slow as possible. Or at least as slow as the toddler allows it to be!

I’m going back to bed now, to breath in Beckley’s little dreaming sighs.