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By doriluthy, July 29, 2010 12:26 am

For those of you craving a pic of bambino. You know who you are.

Here’s Finn at Long Beach, Tofino, chillin on the beach in his ocean water bath.

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By doriluthy, July 28, 2010 11:39 pm

Some days I don’t have time to take a shower. Some days I don’t go to the bathroom for hours, even if I REALLY have to go. Some days I don’t drink enough water. Some days I eat too much food. Some days I think I’m boring. Some days I worry that Finn’s been in the stroller or car seat too long. Some days I wonder if he’ll ever want to crawl. Some days I laugh and laugh. Some days I cry and cry.

But every day? I marvel at the perfection of this little life and the unfolding of this beautiful creature that occupies almost every moment of my time. He really is perfect, doing things just as he is meant to be doing them. Isn’t that a lesson? Each step, even the bumpy uncertain ones, are just right. They are all so critical to making up the story that is his life; the learning, developing, exploring, inquiring, imaginative, funny little man that he is already, and will continue to become more of. He’s already completely himself.

As of Friday, Finn will have been outside just as long as he was inside. 9 months in, 9 months out, and just so confidently himself regardless of time.

In the past month we’ve been to Tofino and back, a week of Finn’s first camping, beach strolling, sand eating, and ocean dipping- and he did OH SO WELL. We returned home to him deciding it was time to learn to roll, like for real. (He’d been taking his time with the mobility stuff.) He’s now flopping back and forth, and figured out that he can propel himself towards things by rolling- I see crawling in our future. (EGADS!) Then we headed off to Galiano Island with some good friends and their kids, and again he did OH SO WELL. He came away from that weekend having discovered how to clap, wave and high five!, and he practices these new skills a lot. It’s like he discovered his hands could do OTHER things besides smooshing food and pulling on hair. And he has also discovered that he is a boy, and that part of his body provokes a great deal of curious exploration. Ah, to be a mother of a boy.

I’m doing alright here, journeying along side the kid, attempting to be tuned into him and me as much as possible. I see his little developments so much easier than my own, though. His are marked in bold exchanges with the world and seem so BIG when he begins to do something he’d never done before. “Look at him point to all the eyes of the animals in the book!” My developments are much more subtle and shifting, internal and mysterious (Look, I didn’t eat any chocolate for 3 days!). Honestly, I feel a bit foggy most days, not quite sure where I’m at. I think I’ve reached some level of peace with the breastfeeding struggle, although some days I encounter challenges that feel like I’ve got to start over again. Mostly it has to do with the semantics of feeding our babies and how unforgiving the messages of ‘breast is best’ can be to someone who was unable to give the ‘best’. A workshop on ‘Weaning and going back to work’ felt like an unfortunate demonizing and stigmatization of formula feeding (don’t we all already KNOW why breastfeeding is the best option?) and I watched as a couple other formula feeding mums slipped quietly out of the room during the hour-long discussion. I stayed and did my smiley face, although the sadness hung around with me for a few days after… That’s how it goes these days. I hang out with a good group of happy babies and their supportive and kind mums, who are like me and trying their best to be tuned into their children and give their babies the best chance in this world. It seems we all struggle with something in motherhood, and the reality of this helps to ease some of my own anguish and guilt.

I am feeling a little lost, to be sure. Motherhood is great and full and charming, but it is also a fog of activity all day long that doesn’t leave much time for reflection and consideration…

I just realized that every time I feel like I want to make a statement of honesty about the struggle, I feel compelled to back it with a statement of how much I’m loving this job. That is possibly one of the most curious things about this journey of motherhood; it can be so full of joy, laughter, successes, and marveling, and yet that fullness always seems a little shadowed by grief, anxiety, guilt, and loss.

I am reminded of the unlikely marriage of Sorrow and Compassion. Two drastically different and powerful characters, drawn together through a mutual understanding of human nature. Wandering through life hand in hand, giving back and forth to one another the gifts that each carries. We are all witness to this marriage every day; but on those days when I can remember that they contribute equally to the path of life, it somehow eases the struggle… Compassion is the one to follow Sorrow. The quiet partner, soft and gracious. Can you hear the gentle voice of Compassion?

I’m trying..

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By doriluthy, May 27, 2010 11:50 pm

Oh yes, it’s time to talk about breasts again!

But first off let me say that Finn will be 7months old on Monday! Which means it’s been almost a month since I’ve last written anything- and yet my blog stats show the readership is almost as high as ever! EEEEK! Thank you folks!

Yes this Mr. Finn is absolutely awesome, full of beans, funny, chatty- he is so active and just works himself into a sweat with all his bobbing and arm waving and whatnots. He shrieks and caws with such fervor, and really sounds an awful lot like like a young pterodactyl preparing to launch itself out of a prehistoric tree. He loves food of all types, and I keep offering new things to explore. He’s just starting to get his little pinching fingers working- he can sorta pick things up with the thumb and forefinger, but can’t quite get it into his mouth. Usually things in his hands get mashed into his ears. Which just means more fun at bath-time trying to excavate the mush from the lobes. He loves standing up (being held around the waist still) and has started in the past couple days shaking his head back and forth like a very emphatic NO! – which makes for funny conversations with him- “Finn, do you want to grow up?” Head shaking. “No? Oh I”m so happy, stay my baby forever!” More head shaking. “No? Do you want to be a boy someday?” More head shaking. “NO? Do you want to be a girl?”… Mostly it’s silly entertainment for mama. Hey, I need something to keep me busy during the day. He’s getting 2 little teeth on the bottom, they are on their way in and they are fabulously interesting to him. His tongue is so busy feeling these two bits of hardness in his little mouth, chewing and drooling like it’s going out of style. Speaking of style! Here’s BABY FINN-O! Mr. Loud Shirt:

Isn’t he perfectly perfect? He has a very savvy stylist.

So let me talk about my breasts now. (Hey! It’s MY blog! I can’t talk about my boobies all I want! Right?) Ok, where to start? After the last post I’m sure folks thought that was it, what more is there? Well after about a week home from Oregon, I seriously regretted making the choice to stop pumping/nursing. I was feeling like I hadn’t made the choice freely, but rather as a consequence of the situation, and my heart was breaking. I was crying a bunch, feeling such sadness and loss (welcome back grieving!)  And then Finn had made some guestures that he wanted to nurse a couple times, but there wasn’t much for milk. So I decided to try to bring my milk back in again- grabbed the pump (3 x daily) and started taking the Domperidone. It worked! Hanging around the house after about 7 days I was back up to the same milk I had before, and was greatly relieved to have the chance again to give Finn more milk. We went to the park one day for a picnic, and after he ate, he pushed on my shirt like he wanted to nurse- it was one of the few times that he initiated nursing- and there in the park looking over the mountains and ocean, he had a little snack for a few minutes, and it was oh so nice to feel connected again to that experience. I loved nursing. I really loved it. (tear)

But after a few days of all of that, I was starting to feel frustrated with pumping again, doing all that work for about 2-3 ounces a day… was it worth it? Why did I really start back up again? And did I really think I wanted to keep this up for months to come? The reality is that if I wanted to try to increase the amount I was making, I would have to start pumping 8-10 times a day, around the clock. I knew this, and I was having a hard time committing to this- it would totally bind us to the house, take away from fun Finn-time, and require a committment to putting Finn at the breast all the time to get him used to being back on the breast (which mostly annoyed him, and he would chomp on my boob. The guy has teeth now- seriously ouch.)

Then about a week ago I was feeling inspired to get walking, so Finn and I started heading out into the early morning, (which means I was sacrificing the time for the morning pump- I had to choose one or the other) with walks down to the pier with Finn to watch the boats and birds and seaplanes. It was that or I had stay at home and pump and push toys in Finn’s direction while I tried to keep him occupied for 3o minutes… hmmm… So about 10 days ago the morning pumping ceased. Then milk supply started diminishing (expected- it’s supply and demand, folks)…

Then I got a new book from the Library “Making More Milk“. This book, at nearly 7months in, changed my breastfeeding life. There on page 110 are some pictures of breasts that suffer from a condition known as Mammary Hypoplasia, or Insufficient Glandular Tissue. And would you believe that I sat there staring at picture B for a half an hour thinking “Oh my goodness, those are my boobies.” I don’t have enough mammary glands. It’s not my fault. It wasn’t that I didn’t try hard enough, or long enough, or have him at the breast long enough, it wasn’t that he had a weak suck, or problems with hormones, or nutrition, or… It turns out it’s the boobs. I’ve always had rather small breasts, that didn’t change at all during pregnancy like they are “suppose to”. But everyone and everything says that all women should be able to breastfeed, except the rare few (but none talk about those rare few). Me? Turns out I’m that Rare Few. This brought me such peace of mind, I had no idea how much anxiety I was carrying around not knowing why it didn’t work- what is WRONG with me that I can’t breastfeed?! Now I know. (And for the record, I recommend this book to EVERY breastfeeding mama have milk supply challenges. Hell ya.)

The last 2 chapters eased my mind immensely- COPING WITH LOW SUPPLY and WHAT ABOUT NEXT TIME? After reading those pages, and many tears shed, I decided to just stop pumping, that it was OK to be OK with stopping. Heart needs to heal, refocus my time, and just stop. So I stopped. I took some deep breaths, and felt really sure of my self. That night my breasts filled up and were aching with their little bit of milk, so when Finn woke up at 4am, I brought him into bed and he nursed with delight at the milk! The same thing the next night, although the supply was less… then the third night there was hardly any milk, and he wasn’t so interested. The forth night it was pretty empty, with only a few drops, and Finn wanted nothing to do with the boobs. So there we were, done! And a nice way to finish, right? Cuddled up at night with my little guy happily slurping a snack, enough to fill his belly a bit until the morning. What nice memories of those days- the beach picnic and nighttime nursing… it all ended on Monday this week. My Tuesday counseling session had me feeling so satisfied and confident in my decision, so clear headed, feeling like I was really healing from all the ups and downs of that breastfeeding journey. Yeah for me!

Then things changed again…

On Tuesday afternoon I decided to re-enter mommyland and I started going back to the baby/mommy groups again. I had been away for about 4 weeks, and hadn’t seen some of our baby/mommy friends in a while. And after 2 full days of activities, hanging out with breastfeeding pairs, watching boobs left and right with milk spurting and babies slurping, I got home yesteraday feeling wrecked, like I had fallen off the bandwagon of good feelings. I was back to feeling like an absolute failure, that Finn didn’t really need me, that I couldn’t give to him all that he needed… it was heavy, accompanied by much crying and heart aching. How does that happen so fast? That I can fall down the hole again just like that? I got out the book, looking for some helping advice- I had read about a herb in the book that is shown to have some success with increasing mammary glandular tissues, so that became the thing to obsess about for the night- I got out the pump and jumped on it (hello drops of milk!). I put Finn to the breast and endured bites and tried to get the SNS to work, formula squirting everywhere, him in tears, me in tears- what was I doing?! I decided we could endure, and that first thing in the morning I was going to find some of this magic herb and soon Finn and I would be a perfectly matched breastfeeding pair, right?!?!

Morning came and after a night of tears (mine, not Finn’s- he slept well) I got a gorgeous email from a dear friend giving such clear advice and love, and then a phone call from my counselor helped calm me down (crying DOES help sometime). Then I headed off to the herbal pharmacy, and met up with that lovely doctor who helped me find some herbal support and solace when Finn was a very tiny baby… he remembered Finn and I, and after a loving hug, we had a very long conversation that- let me get this visual for you- gave wings to my horrendous anxiety, and I watched in wonder as it flew a few feet away from me and landed safely (cue the calming music). What did he tell me? Yes, there is this herb. Yes, it is shown to have success with improving the condition of Mammary Hypoplasia. But No, it won’t be the magic pill to bringing in your milk with Finn… Unless I am nursing constantly or pumping around the clock, nothing will bring in my milk. Am I willing to try? He gently assured me that it is absolutely fine if I’m not, that most women are daunted by the amount of work to re-lactate. So let’s look to the FUTURE. Let’s prepare my body for a future child (yes, we hope to have another someday), and the hope that it will be better. The Future… What a nice idea. He was the voice of reason that I needed to hear. The kind doctor who could say what was amiss, and how we could work to make it better. The generous firm hand that reached out and said to my sad, sad heart “Let it go. Just let it go. You have suffered for it long enough.” I came home and laid down with Finn for a nap, and cried great big tears over his soft little snoozing head- and those tears were, for the first time, tears of relief. I heard the voice over and over in my head of that dear doctor, “let it go…”, and I fell asleep

A dream came in that fitful nap: I was hiking through this very dangerous city with Finn in my arms, the stairs and pathways were steep and angular and difficult to navigate. Before long I noticed that clutched in my other hand was the bottle that I used for pumping milk, and there was just a bit of milk in the bottom of the bottle. Every now and then I would stop to try to pump more milk, and I would have to set Finn down in these very awkward and dangerous places, pressing against him with my legs or knees to keep him from falling and I struggled with my hands to pump some milk, precious golden drops, into this little bottle. At one point we came to a very steep staircase that we had to go down, me holding Finn tight in one arm, and the other hand gripping onto this bottle of expressed breastmilk. The stairs became so steep, I sat down on my bottom trying to skootch down that way without setting down my baby or the milk… It wasn’t working and I got completely stuck at this really steep spot- I was absolutely terrified. Just then this strange man came along and offered to hold Finn while I got down. I could tell he was drunk, and although I didn’t feel safe about it at all, for some reason I handed my most precious darling child to him while I gripped tighter to the bottle of milk in the other hand. I watched as he struggled with Finn, almost dropping him, and at that point in the dream I looked at my hand with the bottle and thought “what have I done?!?!”

Then I woke up.

It’s over. Yes, really over. Tomorrow I’ll wash and pack up the pump and bottles and measuring cups and SNS and all that. But today has been a gift, and while I have no doubt that there will be tears in the days ahead, I do believe with absolute conviction that it is over. The last 72 hours have been an emotional roller coaster that I don’t wish to repeat, and let me remember that. The dearest souls who helped me through these days- Thank you, Rowan. Thank you, Erin. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you, Dustin. And more than anything else- Thank you, Finn. Here’s to ending on good memories…

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By doriluthy, May 2, 2010 12:27 am

Finn turned 6months old yesterday! What a big milestone in our journey, and the little meatball is just surprising us every day with his funny little personality that’s emerging in charming outbursts of smiles, shrieks and giggles. Finn and I got back on Thursday from a 10 day trip south to Oregon, gone down to see family- another grandpa and gram who were out visiting, and more aunties and cousins he hadn’t met yet. Needless to say he was a big hit (proud mama). We both missed the papa a lot, and were happy to be home again.

Well, we said an unexpected farewell to breastfeeding while we were down in Oregon. I’m going to talk about it, cause I still can’t quite believe it’s done… We went with family last Saturday to the Cherry Blossom Festival in The Dalles, and between the parade and hours watching the Elvis impersonator (love) and carrying and holding onto a 20lb baby for many hours in a row just did a number on my back. I was okay for the evening, but could feel it getting worse that night. In the morning I had a terrible back spasm as I was lying Finn down for a nap, so I laid with him, trying to relax it out. A heat pack and some pain killers helped temporarily to get me down the highway to my next destination, but by Sunday night I was in such pain I couldn’t lift the child- not a good place to be with an 8 hour train ride home scheduled on Tuesday.  So a trip to urgent care on Monday morning, a prescription for heavy duty pain killers, and a postponed ticket meant a few days healing at my aunty’s house (really, the best place to heal- body and soul). It was the best place to be to talk about letting go of the milk.

I just came downstairs from lying in bed with Finn, breathing in his sleeping sweetness. His soft skin and long eyelashes, baby sleeping grunts and chubby fingers. Ahhh… One of the biggest treats in travelling with Finn by myself is that we sleep together in the bed, and I can enjoy his little warmth all night long. He was nursing for the first few night we were traveling, when he’d wake up confused and a little frightened at 5am, it was a comfort that would help him go back to sleep. Then after a few nights when he was comfortable in our new surroundings he stopped waking/nursing in the night, and then pumping was difficult to do on the road. Then the pain killers, and that milk would just be dumped if I kept pumping. Well… it just happened that it ended. 6 months in, and I’m trying to find pride in that I made it that far with the whole thing. Where are the words to describe it all?

Complex emotions, split feelings, and here at this juncture I was introduced to the Zen Buddhist concept of Ichi-go Ichi-e. Rather timely to have this appear in front of me, considering the well of ‘what-ifs’ I am floating in. Is this inevitable? Considering the struggle? And I don’t know if that idea of ‘there is no try-again’ is more helpful or sad. I have been stuck in a loop of wishing I could go back and try again. I honestly just want to feel here and now and enjoy the experiences, instead of looking back over my shoulder thinking I could have done something to change the outcome. That I didn’t try hard enough, or long enough, or get help soon enough, or enough help, or… Looping. Gonna try to stop that.

As I was lying upstairs with Finn a bit ago, I was looking over at our big bookshelf lined with the huge variety of books. My mind was wandering through titles recalling those books I’ve read, those I plan to read, and those I might have told a professor in University that ‘of course I’ve read’. And in these thoughts about books, baby and breastfeeding, I realized I tipped over into a feeling of a sense of presence and awareness that I haven’t felt for some time. There was a shift in consciousness, heightened and aware, and I could feel in that moment some peace that time was pausing for a few breaths and I was being held by it to just be in gathered in my thoughts and body and soul, cuddled in bed next to my child, observing a bookshelf that represents a journey through adulthood. It felt really good. Then it passed, and everything was exactly the same except that stirring feeling from the soul had wisped away… and I was back to the anxiety and mind-chatter and tension, but feeling a little bit softened by that moment of peace. I think it was a reminder that there is more beyond these current feelings, and as our good friend Buffy likes to remind me, ‘this too shall pass’.

I am okay. Right now listening to Linda Ronstadt and drinking mint tea as the night winds down and bed is calling my name. But I think I want to talk more about my experiences of parenting soon, and what that journey is like. Cause I’m having a load of fun with Finn and learning so many things about myself. This breastfeeding challenge has been the bump along the road of a mostly awesome time, and I want thank you readers for making space for me here to journey through it. I think there must be some grace of it being ‘over’, that I can begin to find the place to let it heal…

A river that flows.
The bridge that safely crosses.
Dropping a bundle of sticks and leaves.
Watching it float away.

Ciao.

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By doriluthy, April 11, 2010 10:30 pm

The video of yesterday’s evening meal- just a little entertainment for the Finn fans.
And would you look at those baby cheeks!!