Here I sit at my computer, this cold rainy autumn day, looking over my computer and out the window to the empty schoolhouse across the street. A holiday Monday means the windows are dark and the kids are away. I guess that means less distraction for me? Armed with a cup of tea, a bit of dark chocolate, and wooly socks, all these keeping me warm in the ways that they do. This is a long time coming reunion, my computer and I, waiting to get together in just the right moment. Both babes are sleeping. Nothing else pressing. My own desire for writing is the most urgent matter.
Has it really been since July that I’ve been here, writing, thinking, dreaming in this little space that is all mine? I wonder how you all lasted so long, so patiently waiting for my return? Thank you dear readers, knowing that it would eventually happen.
What has happened? In months of waiting for time to write about life, so many things have passed by my eyes… two milestones worth noting!
On a warm August day, darling Beckley launched herself head first into life as a one year old. She is so very sassy, loud, and confident. Her birthday was perfection, a magical garden party with a great number of friends. Piles of food, a vibrant garden backdrop, the chocolate cake mama makes, bunting, crafts, quilts, and sunshine. My heart was singing at the beauty of it all, so perfect for that darling babe. She signs and speaks many words, runs, climbs, sings, loves babies, trucks, music and dirt. And she is still ever the snuggle-bug, thank goodness.
Halloween night, Finn became 3 years old. A charming moment I hope to never forget; we sang the birthday song, he blew out his candles, and I could see the look of realization on his face- he turned around and with arms gesturing wildly, he declared to everyone there “I am 3! I am 3 years old!”. That honest, intent, heartfelt wee boy, has now turned 3. Curious, dinosaur crazy, he loves outdoors, indoors, cooking, playing. His fav games are hockey and palaeontologist (bury tiny dinosaurs in playdoh, unearth, discuss). He is also a tip-top-snuggle-bug.
Well for months now it’s been a jumble of the big stuff, met with the small stuff, and through all of that I have been trying, oh trying!, to find little bits of time for myself. But as I sit here, feeling so utterly content at this moment of writing, I am thinking how very important it is to start making more time for me.
Me? Dori. Remember her?
Well, it’s tricky, isn’t it? So many of my current passions have to do with my children- home-learning, cooking, crafting, activity planning, reading… Not that there is anything ‘wrong’ with this all-encompassing life-activity called Motherhooooood. There really is no way to separate something called “Me” from “Mama”. I am all, I am entirely whole in these life endeavors. I have no other desire than to be Finn and Beckley’s mama. BUT, I do have some of those pre-mama roles I played that are calling for attention. I definitely have the pre-mama body that wants to move in ways that carrying children doesn’t allow for. I have an ever-growing internal call to be of service, seeking activities that extend beyond my household. So what about all of this? I guess it means it takes a little time and closer listening to find out what I need for self. Making time to lean down, hushed and patient, and give space to the voice inside that asks for care and attention, for peace and quiet, for passionate heartfelt movements of growth and development. Well, here I am. Free in this moment to do nothing but listen. Listen…
Creative work, making/holding/shaping
Caring for another, holding space, deepening relationships
Nature-made, nature’s gift
Light and Dark
Wow, that’s good stuff. Sounds just right, since I have been moving towards 2 things in life that help to holistically enrich DORI. 1) More time in the studio! Touching clay, drawing, playing, and SIGHING very loudly. All feels good. And 2) I have registered for a Doula training course in January! I am delighted, excited and ready. Having had the absolute honour of attending a friend’s birth a couple weeks ago (26 hours of support), I can’t express how right this feels.
Mama-Artist-Doula. One act engages my multitude of skills and passions, bringing me forward in service and care to those I love so dear, entire body and heart, patience ruling all. Another act calls me to focus internally and find creative power within, making with my hands, with patience, self-reflective, self-serving. The other calls me to focus externally and support the physical and creative power of another, holding space with my energy, standing back and standing strong, with patience, serving others.
Cool. I like all of that.
And that’s about all I have time for! What a gift that those darling babes have slept through all of this processing and writing. And thanks for hanging on, dear readers. I hope to be more active here again, taking the opportunity to entertain you, and refresh my spirit!
What is YOUR calling?